


A Dish Best Served Cold

by PhaiFan



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 22:11:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 32,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11998965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhaiFan/pseuds/PhaiFan
Summary: When pushed too far, everyone has a dark side. And nobody wins.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is quite a bit different from anything else I have written. Most of my stories have humor in them. Even the angry sex scenes have humor. This story begged me to write it. And there is no humor in it anywhere. It shows the dark sides of all parties involved, even my beautiful Hephaestion. So….if you are looking for fluff or humor, you may as well stop here.
> 
> Rating: M for just a couple scattered F words.
> 
> As for the title, the phrase "Revenge is a dish best served cold", it is an old saying from the Mafiosi in Sicily - suggesting that emotional detachment and planning ("cold blooded") are best for taking revenge.

Cassander paced back and forth in his quarters, too agitated to sit at the moment. He wasn't sure what he felt the most; anger, frustration, hurt, embarrassment, or contempt. Perhaps a mixture of all of them. He hadn't wanted to come here to begin with, and it seems his trepidation was well-founded.

The more he thought about it all, the worse he felt. Things had gone steadily down hill since his arrival some weeks before. He should never have been put in this position in the first place, and yet he was paying the price for something he had no control over. Well, most of it at least. He had made a few blunders of his own, that much he would acknowledge.

He was not well-liked among the generals, not that it bothered him much. He seemed to be at odds with most of them at one time or another. They thought his attitude to be bitter, resentful and arrogant. Perhaps that is how he really felt. Did any of them bother to wonder why? No, they did not care enough to even ask. It wasn't like he wanted to be best friends with any of them, but their respect would have been nice. He did not have that any more than he did their affection.

He was sick and tired of being the target of snide remarks, and being the first one suspected when any conflict arose among the men. He did not ask for any of this, and he resented it on all sides.

At the heart of the matter was his father, Antipater. He was a harsh and demanding man. Nothing Cassander had ever done had pleased him. He had learned to live with that, even though it stung his pride. He knew his father doubted his abilities, and had heard rumors that he was going to name someone else as his successor. Polyperchon seemed to be a favorite of his father. But they were only rumors…surely. Nothing could have prepared him, though, for his father literally throwing him to the wolves here in Babylon.

Damned Olympias! Whatever had happened between his father and that snake-worshipping mother of Alexander's, it had been growing progressively worse. He was aware that Olympias had been writing letters to Alexander accusing his father of conspiracies, and of creating unrest and disloyalty in Macedon. Yes, he knew of the letters. There were few secrets to be had, as there was always a courier or page willing to spread a good bit of gossip. It seemed that Alexander had finally bought into his mother's lies and had summoned his father here to answer to the charges made against him.

His father had refused to come! He had been completely shocked by this. His father had cited fear of an uprising if he had left, but to Alexander that was not acceptable. No one ever defied an order from Alexander, at least not if they wished to live. Disloyalty was something that Alexander absolutely did not tolerate from anyone.

So, here he was, sent as an ambassador from his father and forced into the uncomfortable role of having to defend the man to a furious Alexander. To Alexander, Antipater's refusal to come himself only served to give credence to Olympias' accusations. So it was he, Cassander, who bore the brunt of Alexander's anger, even though he himself had done nothing wrong. He knew that, justified or not, Alexander resented him.

He sighed and sat down on the side of his bed, rubbing his hands over his tired eyes. His mind was still racing.

Ah, then there was the debacle in Alexander's court. This one, he had to admit, was his own fault.

Walking into Alexander's court had been like walking into another world. Alexander was dressed as one of those Persian barbarians, in his silk robe and pants. They all sat around the fancy palace on their fancy silk couches and drinking from their fancy golden goblets. What struck him the most was that the men bowed to him as they entered! Not just a slight bow from the waist, but full prostration on the ground before him! He couldn't help himself. Before he even realized what he was doing, he laughed out loud at how ridiculous it looked.

Bad move on his part. Alexander had been enraged by his outburst. The king had grabbed him and slammed him against the wall, practically snarling in his face. Only a softly spoken word from Hephaestion had stopped Alexander from beating him to a pulp.

He was completely humiliated, and more than a little angry.

This was not the Alexander he once knew. This man was self-centered, arrogant, vain, and thought himself a god. He got the impression that even the close companions of the king were unhappy about the changes, but of course none would dare say too much about it. It was a shame, really.

No, he had no desire to grovel among Alexander's court of sycophants.

Which brought him back to Hephaestion. He found it interesting that Hephaestion could calm Alexander by simply whispering his name as a gentle warning. That was all it took. What power did the man have that a mere word would rein in the furious king? Was it true that Alexander really was ruled by those famous thighs? He wondered. He knew that Hephaestion would follow anything that Alexander wanted, but he had also always been able to speak his mind to the king, though mostly in private. He wondered how much the man actually kept Alexander in check, and how much worse things might be if it weren't for his influence.

Everyone thought that he hated Hephaestion. Not true. When they were younger, he envied the tall brunette greatly. He envied his relationship to then-prince Alexander, but also the grace and ease with which he handled himself. Cassander always considered himself to be clumsy and a bit crude. Hephaestion, on the other hand, exuded dignity and power at the same time. Truth be known, he also thought Hephaestion to be quite striking to look at. He might have pursued him himself had he not known that Alexander would sooner strike him dead as let anyone else have HIS Hephaestion.

He had had enough. He really needed to drink some wine and forget his troubles for a while. He decided to wander over to the great hall for some food, drink and entertainment. Perhaps if he got drunk enough he would no longer care about any of this.

Throwing his red cloak over his shoulder, he took a deep breath left his quarters.


	2. Chapter 2

Hephaestion was in a foul mood. He was quite thoroughly fed up with Alexander.

Tonight had been just another in a series of events that made him question his loyalty to the king. Well, not his loyalty in the sense of being a general, and subject of the king, but he was beginning to question his loyalty to Alexander's heart, which was proving to be increasingly fickle.

He acknowledged that Alexander had changed, and they were not changes he was happy with.

Alexander was becoming more and more wrapped up in his Persian luxuries and vices. He had been drinking more, which was never a good thing. Alexander tended to behave impulsively and irrationally when he was drunk. He had become arrogant, above and beyond his normal sense of supremacy. He totally thought himself to be a god, and was now expecting everyone to bow down to him! Seriously?

Hephaestion knew he had the freedom to speak his mind to his king, but he knew that even he would not be able to reason with Alexander on some things. He had hinted to him that the whole idea of proskynesis would not sit well with his Macedonian generals, but Alexander had refused to listen. Now there was a great deal of resentment, both spoken and unspoken, among his companions.

Though he was their king, Alexander had always treated his men more as equals, sharing their hardships in battle and while on the march, taking his meals with them, drinking and laughing with them, and none of them ever had called him by anything other than his name. No "My Lord", or "Your Majesty" or anything like that. He acted as though he was one of them, and because of that they gave him their undying love and loyalty. They would have followed him into the depths of Hades without question.

Now, that had changed. There were divisions among the generals themselves, and the closeness they shared with Alexander was fading quickly. Now, he demanded to be treated as a god one moment while seemingly trying to be their friend the next. No one knew quite how to behave around him any longer. The Persians may not have had an issue with bowing before their king, but Macedonians simply did not do such things.

Oh, a few of them had done it to appease Alexander. Hephaestion had been the first. He knew he opened himself up to further ridicule from the other generals, but he loved Alexander and was trying to smooth things over between him and the rest of his men. It had not worked. They not only resented Alexander for asking it of them, but they resented Hephaestion even more for making them look bad in front of the king by their refusal to bow.

Hephaestion felt more isolated than ever. He was truly starting to fear that Alexander was losing touch with reality. Sometimes he seemed truly insane.

The look in his eyes when he had attacked Cassander…he would never forget. It was wild, out of control, and had more than a touch of madness to it. No, Cassander should not have laughed at him, but his blunder did not warrant such a violent reaction from the king. He had honestly thought Alexander might kill him, and was mightily relieved when his soft spoken word had calmed the king right away. He had truly felt bad for Cassander.

He feared, by all the gods, what would happen if he ever lost the ability to keep Alexander calm and grounded. It chilled him to the bone to think of it.

He remembered a conversation in which Alexander had asked him if he considered him to be weak or divine. At one time, that would have been easy. Hephaestion had always considered Alexander to be divine. That was before. Now…..he prayed Alexander would never ask him that question again, for he would not like the answer.

None of these things were the issue tonight, however. Tonight, as so often happened these days, Hephaestion felt hurt. He had been disregarded and forgotten yet again in favor of one of the growing number of people who warmed Alexander's bed.

First it was that troll Bagoas. The sniveling little eunuch fawned all over Alexander. It sickened him. And Alexander, for whatever reason, was entranced by the boy. He would watch Bagoas dance, and you could see the lust coming off him in waves. The boy slept with him a good deal of the time now, brought him his meals, bathed him, dressed him…things the old Alexander would never have allowed anyone to do for him. He had been told that the eunuch had been trained especially in the art of giving pleasure. He could understand why that would appeal to someone.

But Alexander…Alexander used to be different. He had always been very conservative with the pleasures of the flesh, too much so at times for Hephaestion's liking. Now, Alexander freely sought out sensual pleasures…and they rarely involved him. It was yet another change that he did not like.

There was the matter of Roxane. Hephaestion understood that Alexander needed an heir, but his choice of a bride stunned them all. Instead of a proper Macedonian bride, Alexander had chosen this barbarian woman. No one knew for sure why, though it was likely more political than anything. His generals had vehemently opposed the union, but Alexander disregarded their opinions. Hephaestion had spoken with him privately later, but with the same result. Alexander would listen to no one. Regardless, he had the duty to share his bed with her, and he certainly did not seem to mind it much.

Hephaestion also suspected that Alexander had another mistress, though he had no proof of that…yet.

Alexander was no longer HIS Alexander.

He finally stopped pacing around the room and sunk down in a chair. He felt utterly defeated.

Alexander had once told him, and not that long ago really, that he was the only one he trusted and the only one he loved. Period. They had made love that night, and it was beautiful. It was hard to believe so much had changed in such a short amount of time.

Alexander never asked him to stay the night any longer. He did not even kiss him, unless he was drunk and showing off in front of the other generals. That only served to embarrass him and make the others resent him even more.

Oh, but if Alexander was upset or needed something, he had no problem in running straight to "good old Hephaestion". Yes, good old dependable Hephaestion. Hephaestion the fool. And fool that he was, he still loved Alexander. He always would.

He was tired. He was tired of playing the fool. He was tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes and feeling their resentment every time he walked into the room. Little did they know there was no reason to resent him any longer. He had fallen out of favor with the king just as they had. He was just another possession in Alexander's collection of things that amused him. That is how he felt.

It infuriated him that while Alexander seemed to feel free to sleep with anyone he chose to at any time, Hephaestion was supposed to sit quietly by until he was summoned. Alexander seemed to think that he and he alone had exclusive rights to his lover's body. Make that former lover. It was petty and selfish.

Well, no more. Hephaestion was a man, and he had needs like everyone else. He was tired of sitting on the sidelines like a fool, waiting for Alexander to throw him a crumb, which rarely came at all. No, fuck that!

As of now, he would bed whomever he chose, if he chose to do so. He was not going to sit around and pine over Alexander, since he seemed to be the only one that cared that their relationship was dying. He decided to go and have some wine and see what was going on in the great hall. Perhaps if he drank enough he would just no longer care.

He straightened his shoulders and, with a new resolve, left his room…and his old self...behind.


	3. Chapter 3

There were few people in the great hall as Hephaestion entered. The evening meal was finished, and only a few men remained, drinking their wine and flirting with the harem girls. He sighed. He wasn't really sure why he came here. It wasn't as if he felt like talking with anyone, but sitting alone in his room just depressed him further...so here he was. He decided something sweet might make him feel better, so he made his way to the kitchen. He had become good friends with the matronly woman who seemed to be in charge of it all. As usual, she was bustling about.

"Joy to you, Amaltheia!"

The woman gave him a wide smile. "Joy to you, General Amyntoros! What may I do for you this evening?" She winked at him. "Is your sweet tooth in want of a treat?"

Hephaestion shook his head and laughed. "Ah, you know me well, Amaltheia. Yes, I would love something sweet. And please…what have I told you? Just call me Hephaestion."

The woman grinned at him then set about fixing him a treat. She returned with a plate of the sweet cakes he loved so much, drizzled with warm honey, and some plump dates. "Here you are, Hephaestion. This should take care of your cravings!"

Hephaestion accepted the plate, then leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. "Perfect as always. You are a treasure. Health to you!"

"Health to you, Hephaestion!"

She watched him walk out of the kitchen. Something about him seemed off somehow. There was a sadness in his eyes that she did not normally see, and even his posture seemed…defeated? That is the only word she could think to describe it. Something was wrong with the man she had begun to think of as a son. She prayed that the gods would watch over him.

Hephaestion made his way across the room to his couch. None of the other generals were present, and Alexander was off with his eunuch somewhere, so he had the area to himself. He picked at the sweet cakes on his plate, not really tasting them. They were Alexander's favorite as well, and they used to share them often. He had trouble swallowing past the lump in his throat. No…he was not going to let himself go down that road tonight.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------  
Cassander entered the hall, finding it mostly deserted for once. For that he was glad. He was not in the mood for a drunken bunch of generals, yet staying in his room had not appealed to him either.

Glancing around the room, he saw Hephaestion, sitting alone on his couch and absently picking at some food on a plate. His heart beat just a little faster, as it always did when he was around the other man. He had never really gotten over the crush he had on him when they were youths, though he had done a very good job of hiding it away. Most of the time. Something in him stirred a little at the sight before him. Hephaestion was not dressed in the Persian silks he had taken to wearing. He was wearing a simple white chiton with deep red cloak, and laced up sandals. He had not braided his hair at the sides the way Alexander apparently preferred. His head was down, and his long auburn tinted hair hid his face from view. Something in the way he sat, slightly hunched over, seemed very sad. His whole manner of being screamed of loneliness. Cassander felt a twinge of guilt.

Just then, Hephaestion, who always seemed to have a sixth sense about things, noticed him standing there and caught his eye. Those huge blue eyes looked empty and cold.

Cassander sighed. He had several choices. He could sit somewhere far away from Hephaestion, even though his normal seat was very near him. He could turn and leave and simply go somewhere else. Both of those options seemed rude, not that something like that normally bothered him. Tonight, it did not feel right. His other option was to go and sit with him. He was not sure his presence would be welcomed, since he was usually one of Hephaestion's biggest tormenters. He did not feel like being alone, so he decided to take his chances and made his way towards his couch, and Hephaestion.

Hephaestion was watching him carefully, no doubt expecting the worst. Cassander took a deep breath and directed a soft, slightly sad smile towards him.

Hephaestion groaned inwardly as he saw Cassander approaching him. Gods, not tonight, please. He did not think he had it in him to deal with Cassander's biting sarcasm and snide remarks at his expense.

When he saw a slight smile on the other man's lips, he nearly fell off his couch. What the…? What was he up to? His expression almost seemed sad. Hephaestion thought he looked rather lost.

Cassander sat on his own couch, without speaking, nervously fidgeting with his wine goblet. This was not the sort of behavior Hephaestion was used to seeing from him.

Cassander looked up, and the two men eyed each other warily. "Amyntoros" he nodded, acknowledging the other man's presence.

"Cassander" Hephaestion nodded slightly in return.

Neither man knew quite to expect from the other. Finally Cassander broke the awkward silence. "Would you care for some wine?" He held up the carafe he had brought with him.

Still suspicious, but now slightly curious, Hephaestion held out his cup. "Sure, why not. Thank you."

There was more awkward silence as they finished their cups of wine. Cassander held up the carafe, offering more to Hephaestion, which he readily accepted. After their second cup, both men seemed to relax slightly.

The attack that Hephaestion had been waiting for had not come, and Cassander was not really sure what to say at all.

Hephaestion slid the plate towards Cassander, offering him some of the honey cake. Cassander took one, smiling gratefully at Hephaestion…who nearly choked on his wine. This was just surreal. He caught the attention of one of the servants and ordered more wine. When the carafe was brought out, he motioned for Cassander to come over to the couch next to his own.

"Have a seat. And have some more wine. I have the feeling we both need it tonight." Their cups were filled again, and they sat side by side, lost in their thoughts. They were both beginning to feel the effects of the wine at this point.

Cassander glanced over at his new drinking buddy. "So, Amyntoros…Hephaestion…where is your other half this evening?"

Hephaestion turned sharply, waiting for the snide remark or the sadistic smirk. He got neither. The other man seemed genuinely curious. He sighed, the wine loosening his tongue.

"I do not know, and I do not care. I assume he is off playing with his eunuch somewhere." His tone was clipped, and his blue eyes icy.

Cassander didn't know what to say. He had never seen Hephaestion look like this, or speak this way about Alexander.

"And you, Cassander…where are your friends tonight? Why are you not off drinking with them?"

Cassander held Hephaestion's stare briefly. For a stunned moment, Hephaestion thought he was going to cry.

"I did not wish to be with them this evening. I needed peace, and I needed to rest my mind. Besides, they are not really my friends." He looked away sadly. "Do you wish me to leave, Hephaestion? I know you have no love of me, and understandably so. I have not been kind to you."

A still stunned Hephaestion studied his face carefully, seeing no sign of deceit. "No, you may stay if you wish." He thought for a moment. "Cassander, may I ask you a question?"

Cassander nodded.

"Why? Why do you insist on tormenting me, belittling me, insulting me? Have I done you wrong somehow?"

Cassander looked into those beautiful blue eyes, and suddenly he felt like he could trust him. Perhaps it was the wine, but so be it. "Do you really want to know, Hephaestion? Do you want to know why I have treated you so? Why I am so bitter towards pretty much everyone?"

"Yes, Cassander…I would like to hear it." Hephaestion poured them another cup of wine and sat back.

Cassander began to speak, and couldn't stop.


	4. Chapter 4

Hephaestion listened in a state of shock as Cassander bared his soul before him. He would never have believed it. The more he listened, the more he began to feel empathy for the man. He could not imagine growing up in the shadow of a father you could never please, and who still to this day did not believe in you. His own father had been wonderful and supportive, so Hephaestion had no idea what it would be like. He imagined it would be horrible. The fact that Cassander's father had sent him here like a sacrificial lamb was appalling.

The more Cassander talked, the more passionate his voice became. Between the wine, his frustration, and the somehow comforting presence of Hephaestion, he held nothing back. When he had finished speaking, he sat back and took a deep breath. There were tears that threatened to fall, which he quickly brushed away.

"So you see…" he said, "you see why I feel the way I do. I have never been good enough in anyone's eyes." He looked down and practically whispered. "And I have always been jealous of you."

Hephaestion studied the man in front of him. "Jealous…of me? Why?"

His voice rose slightly when he answered. "Because you have it all, Hephaestion! Your family loved you. Aristotle loved you. Alexander loves you. You have Alexander's complete trust. With the exception of a few, the men love you. The servants love you." He spoke more softly now. "And, I mean….look at you. You are beautiful." He looked up at Hephaestion, who was simply staring at him.

Hephaestion decided to ignore that last comment. "Cassander, I am truly sorry. I really had no idea what you have been through. I dare say I would be angry, too. You know, it reminds me a little of Alexander. He constantly lived in his father's shadow, and his mother still tries to control him. He has tried to be so many things to so many people. It is a lot to demand of one man, even if he is Alexander."

Cassander sighed. "He is not handling things very well these days, in my opinion."

Hephaestion nodded. "I would have to agree."

"You love him very much, don't you? I used to think you used him to get where you are, but that is not the case, is it? You truly love him."

Hephaestion gave him a sad smile. "Aye….I did… I do…love him. That is why it is so difficult for me to see these changes in him. The Alexander I fell in love with is gone. I miss him."

Cassander searched the face of the beautiful man in front of him, noting the deeply saddened look in his cerulean eyes. "You know, I see the hurt in you every time Alexander goes off with that eunuch. Or when he married Roxane. I suspect he spends very little time with you anymore. I can only imagine how much that hurts."

Hephaestion poured them yet another cup of wine. They were both quite drunk by now.

Cassander giggled. "You know I had a huge crush on you when we were at Mieza, don't you?"

Hephaestion laughed and flopped down on his couch. "Yes, I was aware of it. I used to think you hated me, but Ptolemy let me in on your little secret."

"That bastard!" Both men laughed.

Hephaestion stared at him for a moment. "So, do you still?"

A very drunk Cassander was trying his best to focus, but his vision was a little fuzzy. "Do I still….what?"

"Have a crush on me?"

Cassander snorted. "What if I do? It is not as if it would matter. You belong to Alexander."

This angered Hephaestion, who sat up a little too quickly and regretted it, bracing himself on his hands to keep from falling over. "No!" he spat. "I belong to no one. Alexander does not own me, and I am sick of him thinking that he does. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and that I will be a nice little lapdog and just wait for him to call for me. No! No longer. I will do as I wish. He can kindly kiss my ass if he has a problem with that!"

Cassander was completely stunned. Never had he heard anything even remotely like this from Hephaestion's lips. He saw a side of him that he had never seen before. This man was no lapdog, as he put it. And he was no fool. He felt he had seriously misjudged him. Those blue eyes no longer looked sad. They flashed with fire. It was incredibly sexy, and he had to swallow hard to keep from doing something he would regret.

Hephaestion shoved his shoulder slightly. "And if you repeat any of this I will personally have you executed."

Cassander thought for a moment. "You would like Alexander to know how you feel, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, but he is too busy playing with his whore or his barbarian wife to take time for me. I would like him to know how much he hurts me, and what he is giving up. I want him to know that I am finished with this."

A smile slowly appeared on Cassander's face. "I have a thought…"

Hephaestion chuckled. "Let me write that down"

Cassander glared at him. "If I may continue…I have an idea. I may know of a way that we can both get what we want, and send a clear message to Alexander at the same time."

Hephaestion was wary. "I am listening…"

Cassander nodded towards the kitchen. "Look who is there."

Bagoas was standing outside the kitchen, no doubt getting some food and wine for Alexander. And he was watching them.

Hephaestion snarled. "Would this idea involve that whore?"

"Oh yes, he is an important part of this plan."

"Okay, Cassander, what is your idea?"

Cassander leaned in close and stroked the back of his hand across Hephaestion's cheek. "How would you like to make Alexander jealous? Show him that you are not going to simply wait around for him? You would get what you want….and I would get something I have always wanted. What do you think, hmmm?" he purred.

A drunken Hephaestion leaned towards him and whispered "And what is it you want, Cassander?"

Cassander glanced over to make sure Bagoas was watching, and then smiled slyly. "You."

At that, he attacked Hephaestion's mouth in a bruising kiss, his arms going around his waist and dragging him roughly against him. He was not sure if his head was spinning from the wine, or from the kiss. He had dreamed about tasting those lips his entire life, and he was not about to let him get away now.

Hephaestion struggled a little at first, but soon began kissing him back. He tangled his fingers in Cassander's long dark hair, yanked his head back, and nipped at his neck. He winked at Cassander and nodded towards the kitchen. "Look" he whispered.

Cassander looked over to see a very astonished Bagoas looking at them, his mouth open and eyes wide. He took the plate and carafe he was holding, and backed quickly out of the room.

Hephaestion looked at Cassander, and both men burst out laughing. "Did you see his face, Hephaestion?"

"Oh yeah, I am sure he cannot wait to tell Alexander about it, too. He is going to be so angry! Good! He needs to know how it feels to be betrayed." Hephaestion smirked.

Cassander still had his arms around Hephaestion. He leaned in and breathed in his ear. "So…do you want to make it even worse?"

Hephaestion pulled away and got unsteadily to his feet. Geez, he had really had too much to drink, but he no longer cared. He reached out his hand and pulled Cassander to his feet. "Come on, my room. Now."

Revenge was going to be oh so sweet.

Bagoas had still been watching them from behind the doorway. He watched, astonished, as the two men stumbled off towards Hephaestion's quarters. Oh, Alexander was not going to like this at all…


	5. Chapter 5

"He did WHAT?" Alexander screamed, stumbling backwards into his chair.

"He kissed him, My Lord. And they got up and went to General Amyntoros' room." Bagoas said quietly.

Alexander was very drunk. He tried to stand back up, but only succeeded in sliding down onto the floor.

"How could he do this to me, Bagoas? How can my Phai sleep with someone else? And Cassander of all people! Why would he do this to me?" He managed to pull himself back up into the chair. He sniffed. "I thought he loved me…"

"I do not know, Al'skander. I just know what I saw. It was quite a passionate kiss, too."

Alexander was furious. "I will have him executed for treason! Both of them!" he shouted. Then he put his face in his hands and moaned. "No, I cannot do that. But why, Bagoas? Why would he hurt me so?"

Bagoas watched a very despondent Alexander with his head down in his hands. A smile played on his lips. This was perfect. He had always wanted to get Hephaestion out of his way, and he was tired of being second in Alexander's heart. This was a gift. He would be there for Alexander, comfort him, love him, and show him that no one but he could give Alexander the love and affection he so desired.

He had been so excited when he saw Cassander kiss Hephaestion; more so when Hephaestion kissed him back. To say he was thrilled when the two men staggered off to Hephaestion's room, well that was an understatement.

Oh yes….he could use this to his advantage. "Perhaps he does not love you any longer, Al'skander."

Alexander struggled to his feet. "Help me to bed, Bagoas. I cannot think about this any longer."

Bagoas helped him out of his clothes and into bed, pulling a thick fur over him. He turned to go, but he heard a soft voice "Stay with me, Bagoas…"

The eunuch smiled triumphantly before he softened his expression and turned to smile gently at Alexander.

"I love you, Al'skander. I will never betray you." He slid into bed, wrapping his body around the king.

Alexander was needy and feeling insecure. He reached for Bagoas and began stroking his smooth skin. "Love me, Bagoas. Show me that you love me."

Bagoas did just that. He had won, at last.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hephaestion slammed Cassander up against the wall as soon as they were safely inside his room. He kissed him hard, and ripped the chiton from his body with one hard jerk.

Cassander was overwhelmed. He always assumed that Hephaestion would have been the passive one, and the Alexander would have been the aggressor. It appears he was wrong about Hephaestion on so many fronts. No, he had truly underestimated this man. He was being ravaged, and he absolutely loved it. His fantasies had not even come close to this.

Hephaestion turned him around and tossed him roughly down on the bed. He took a silent appraisal of the other man's body, his lips turning up in a slight smile.

Cassander shivered. He felt like the main course. 

Hephaestion slowly released the pins that held his chiton up and let it slide to the floor. He stood and let Cassander admire his tanned and toned body, slender, but very muscular. Judging from the hooded look he was getting, and the way the other man licked his lips in anticipation, he must have liked what he saw.

"Damn…" Cassander breathed. "You are gorgeous. Even more perfect than I imagined."

Hephaestion stretched out on the bed next to him and smiled seductively. "You have imagined me like this?"

Cassander grinned. "Gods, yes. More than you would believe. I have lusted after you for as long as I can remember." He groaned when Hephaestion's fingers played over his nipples. "I want you so badly I can't see straight."

"So," Hephaestion whispered, "you won't mind if I fuck you senseless?"

Cassander nearly swallowed his tongue. "By the gods, there is nothing I would like more. I have to say, you are not at all like I thought you would be. Alexander is a fool." He gasped as Hephaestion leaned down and bit his shoulder, hard. "Oh please….rough, like that."

Hephaestion laughed softly. "If that is what you wish…"

He took him fiercely, ravaging every part of his body, leaving bruises and bite marks from head to toe. There was no gentle kissing or soft touches. It was hard, fast, and rough. Hephaestion slammed into him repeatedly until they both screamed out in their release. As they came back down from their high, Hephaestion shoved him away as he rolled off him. They lay on their backs, letting their breathing return to normal.

"Yes", Cassander panted, "Alexander truly is a fool."

Hephaestion smiled and stretched contentedly. "Yes, he is a fool. And I have been a fool for too long. I hope he hears of this, and I hope it hurts him. I no longer care." He trailed his fingers down Cassander's belly and looked him in the eye "You realize I used you for revenge sex, right?"

Cassander laughed. "And you realize that I could care less, right?"

They both laughed at that.

Cassander rose from the bed and dressed quietly. He turned and looked at a naked, sated Hephaestion. "Is this a one-time thing?"

Hephaestion smiled and shook his head. "No, your body pleases me. I will have you again Cassander. Now go, I need my rest. We will talk, among other things, tomorrow."

Cassander left with a huge smile on his face. Revenge sex was awesome. And he finally got what he wanted. He had won.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hephaestion lay on the bed, still smiling. The sex had been hot. Cassander was much more submissive than he would have ever imagined, so he had taken full advantage of that. He had been much rougher and much more aggressive than he usually was with Alexander.

Somehow, not having the emotional crap to worry about made it that much better. This had been strictly sex. No worrying about Alexander's feelings, trying to constantly reassure him, and none of that after-sex sadness shit that he did all the time.

No, this was better. He would definitely do this again. Perhaps he would find a eunuch of his own, too. He wondered how angry Alexander would be if he fucked Bagoas? That made him laugh. No, that might be going too far, but his days of passively waiting for attention were over.

Yes, revenge felt awesome. He knew Alexander would be furious and hurt. He felt like he had finally won.


	6. Chapter 6

Hephaestion was in his room, going over some reports, when someone began banging loudly on his door.

"Hephaestion! I order you to open this door and let me in!"

It was a livid Alexander.

Hephaestion sighed. Even though Alexander fully deserved what he had done to him, he still felt just a twinge of guilt. He thought Bagoas, and Roxane, and the guilt went away. So he was mad. Fuck him.

He opened the door and stepped aside as a furious Alexander strode into the room and turned to face him.

For a moment, neither man spoke.

Alexander spoke, his voice soft and shaking with fury. "Why? Why did you do this, Phai? How could you sleep with Cassander?"

Hephaestion laughed at him. "There was no sleeping involved, Alexander. He is quite good in bed actually."

Alexander grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him against the wall. "You bastard! You belong to ME! How dare you?"

Hephaestion shoved him back so hard that Alexander landed on his butt on the floor. Hephaestion shouted at him. "I belong to NO ONE. Not you, not anyone. I am a man, not your servant. I am not at your disposal, if and when you want me. I will no longer sit idly by while you fuck anyone who catches your eye. First, that whore eunuch of yours. Then your barbarian bride, and gods knows who else you have fucked behind my back." He paused to take a breath.

Alexander simply sat on the floor, wide-eyed. He could not believe his Phai was speaking to him like this. Suddenly his anger turned to panic. "You cannot leave me, Phai! I need you! What will I do without you?"

"You will do just as you have been. You only send for me now if there is some crisis or if you are upset about something and Bagoas is not there to comfort you. Well, I will not let you use me any longer. I am finished with you. I will be your general, and I will do what I need to do for the army. But beyond that, we are finished. You have taken me for granted for far too long. And I, fool that I am, have allowed it. No more."

Alexander had begun to cry softly. "But Phai…I love you. Don't you love me anymore?"

"Alexander, I will always love you, but that no longer matters. And you…you have no idea what love is. If you did, none of this would have happened. You have changed, and I do not like who you have become. No, it is over. I cannot do this any longer." He fixed a steely gaze on Alexander, who finally broke eye contact and looked down sadly.

"Phai, I am sorry…"

"Get out, Alexander. It is too late for that. And please…do not call me that any longer. I am not your 'Phai' now. You chose this path for us, so you will have to live with the consequences. Now, get out."

Silently, Alexander got up and walked to the door. He turned and looked at Hephaestion. "You will regret this day, Hephaestion. You will miss me, you will see." He left, slamming the door behind him.

"No, Alexander, it is you who will be sorry. I wash my hands of you."

He set out for the Cassander's room. Revenge sex sounded perfect just now.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

Much later, Cassander and Hephaestion made their way to the dining hall to get something to eat. Both men stopped and stared at the scene before them.

Alexander was so drunk he could barely sit upright. He had Bagoas on his lap, groping the giggling eunuch.

The other generals had moved away in disgust. Their body language said it all. They were embarrassed, and angry. This was not the leader they respected and loved. Hephaestion suspected that most of them would be glad to be rid of him.

The generals argued among themselves more than ever, and they constantly second-guessed everything Alexander did. This only made Alexander's behavior worse. He was drinking more and more, and making irrational demands on all of them.

He watched as Alexander drank himself into a stupor, under the loathing glances of his generals.

The descent into darkness had begun. And nobody was going to win.


	7. Chapter 7

For the next several days, Alexander and Hephaestion managed to avoid each other. Any interactions they had were clipped, to the point, and they barely made eye contact. Pretty much everyone around them noticed it.

They were meeting in council, discussing upcoming plans for their next march. There was disagreement on the need to go so soon, however, as the men were enjoying their time here and were in no hurry to leave. The generals questioned everything Alexander had said, and they all ended up arguing over pretty much everything.

Hephaestion leaned against the wall, silently observing it all, but saying nothing.

Finally, an exasperated Alexander stood with his hands on his hips and glared at his generals. He stomped his foot in a move that looked to them like something a spoiled child would do. "There is no further discussion on the matter! This is what we are going to do, and that is final. I am your King, and I will bear no further argument from any of you! Is that understood?"

The men exchanged glances. Some of them gave a slight nod to Alexander in acknowledgement, and there were a few mumbled affirmative responses. None of them was happy at all.

"Does anyone else have anything to say?" Alexander asked, daring someone to speak. He fixed his gaze on Hephaestion, who merely stared back. No one spoke.

"Good. Make plans to march in a week. I expect everything to be ready as I have instructed." With that, he turned and left the room, leaving the men to stare after him.

"What in Hades is his problem these days?" Perdiccas asked. "He acts like he has a bee up his butt or something!"

"I wish I knew", Leonnatus mumbled. "I am afraid to say anything to him."

Ptolemy glanced over at Hephaestion, who was still silent. "Hephaestion, you have not said anything during this whole assembly. What is your opinion on the matter?"

Hephaestion sighed, then made his way over to the table and sat down. "Alexander is the King. We have to do what he orders us to do, whether we agree with him or not."

"That is not an answer, Hephaestion!" Ptolemy stated.

Nearchus studied Hephaestion carefully. "Have you spoken to him? He seems to listen to you most of the time."

Cassander caught Hephaestion's eye and shrugged.

A sharp-eyed Ptolemy noticed the exchange and wondered what was going on. He looked from one man to the other. "Hephaestion, is there something we need to know? Is something wrong? Alexander has not been himself of late. The past few days he has bitten the heads off everyone who has approached him. Do you know what the matter is?" He fixed his gaze on Cassander. "Cassander, do you have any input here?"

Cassander snorted. "Why would I have any idea what is going on? Why would you assume it has anything to do with me?"

His tone sounded a bit too defensive to the other generals. "You are not exactly at the top of Alexander's list of favorites at the moment, Cassander. Relax; I am not blaming anything on you." Ptolemy then looked at Hephaestion. "You…you know more than you are letting on. What are you not telling us?"

"Yes, Hephaestion", Craterus growled, "what is it? A lover's spat?"

Hephaestion did not answer, but his the tightness of his lips and the angry glare he fixed on him answered the question.

"Should have known!" Craterus scoffed.

Hephaestion finally spoke. "Look, gentlemen, I know Alexander has changed a lot over the last few months. I know his behavior of the last few weeks has been even worse, and now he is being quite unreasonable. All I can say is that I do not know why he has changed. I do not care for the changes, but there is nothing I can do. His mood of the last few days has much to do with me. I will not elaborate, but suffice it to say that I am not in the best position to talk to him about anything just now. We will simply have to follow his wishes and cope with him the best we can. That is really all I can say on the matter."

"Well, that was certainly not helpful" Leonnatus grumbled as they all filed out of the room.

Hephaestion caught Cassander by the arm as he went to leave. "Cassander, a word please?"

Ptolemy noticed, and thought it odd since, as far as he knew, those two did not get along. Something in their behavior that last few days had been different, less confrontational. He wasn't sure what was going on, but if it had anything to do with Alexander's bizarre behavior, he really wanted to get to the bottom of it. He knew a few of the pages, and knew it should not be too hard to find out. He followed the others out.

"So, Hephaestion, what can I do for you this evening? More debauchery?"

Hephaestion sighed. He was starting to feel slightly guilty about what they were doing to Alexander.

Cassander knew exactly what he was thinking. "Hephaestion, don't you dare feel guilty! Think about it! Think about all you have given up for Alexander. Think about all the times he fails to notice you are alive because that damned eunuch is humping his leg like a dog. Think about the times he spends rolling around with that barbarian woman of his. And we both know he has at least one other mistress. And you…what has he expected you to do all this time? Sit and wait until he needs you to bail him out of some mess he has gotten himself into?" He gave Hephaestion a good-natured bump with his shoulder and winked at him. "I think we should go find Bagoas and make out in front of him."

Hephaestion had to laugh. This was so unlike the Cassander he had been used to. This one was, well, fun.

"Cassander, you are an evil, evil man." He grinned. "I love it!"

Cassander motioned for him to go out. "After you, General Amyntoros." He smiled widely as Hephaestion moved past him through the door. This was working out so much better than he ever expected. Alexander was miserable, and he finally had the Athenian all to himself. He almost felt the need to thank Bagoas. Yes, he had succeeded in turning Hephaestion against Alexander, and he was reaping the benefits. Life was good.


	8. Chapter 8

Bagoas was incredibly happy. He had, with the help of a few of his friends, made note of every time Hephaestion and Cassander were together…which had been quite often. They had been having sex at least once per day, sometimes more. In public, they were cordial, but there was nothing overt in their interaction with each other. Ah, but in private…that was another story entirely. It was a story that gave him great pleasure.

Of course, each time he learned of a tryst between the two generals, he made sure to inform Alexander. He got as many details as he could from a couple of the pages that he had befriended. They had been quite useful.

Alexander was positively devastated. He felt betrayed by the one man he thought he could trust…the one man who he thought would love only him forever. His moods shifted from intense anger to inconsolable despair…and just about everything in between.

As always, Bagoas made sure he was there to pick up the pieces when Alexander fell apart, which had become more frequent in recent days. He would comfort and console the king with words of love and with physical affection, which Alexander accepted willingly. He was vulnerable, and Bagoas intended on taking full advantage of that.

He was slowly turning Alexander against Hephaestion.

This particular time, Alexander was quietly depressed. His temper tantrum of earlier had passed. Depressed Alexander was much easier to deal with, and certainly much easier to manipulate. Under normal circumstances, no one would have been able to get anything past the king, but the whole ordeal with Hephaestion had totally thrown him off his game. He was lost.

And Bagoas was there to help him find his way.

"Why, Bagoas?" Alexander asked for the hundredth time it seemed. "I trusted him! I loved him! I gave him everything; I made him what he is! How can he be so ungrateful?"

Bagoas smiled at him. "Perhaps he was taking advantage of you, Al'skander. Maybe he never really loved you, at least not as I do."

Alexander shook his head vehemently. "No! I know he loved me! He would not have used me as so many others have tried." He paused. "Would he?"

Bagoas wrapped his arms around the distraught man. "I cannot say, My Lord. Sometimes people are not what they appear to be. And sometimes people change." He smiled smugly and laid his head on Alexander's shoulder. "I will not change, My Lord. I will not leave you."

"Thank you, Bagoas. Please do not leave me." Alexander sobbed quietly as the eunuch held him tightly.

Bagoas closed his eyes, holding his king close, a smile on his lips. Perfect. Just perfect

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ptolemy was beside himself. He had no idea what was going on, but he did know that Hephaestion had been bedding Cassander of all people! He would never have guessed it. He knew Cassander had always had a crush on Hephaestion; that was news to no one. But for Hephaestion to actually sleep with him, knowing how Alexander would most likely react to that, he could not even begin to comprehend.

His little spies had told him every time the two men got together. The noises they had heard outside Hephaestion's room left little doubt as to what they were doing inside. His sources also told him that Bagoas rarely left Alexander's side now, and that Alexander was an emotional wreck, another item that was news to no one.

He sighed and stretched out on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Something had to change, and fast. Things were falling apart at an alarming rate. Alexander had always held things together with his strong leadership, and the loyalty he inspired in his men. Now…well, now there was constant contention among the generals, and they had lost a great deal of respect for Alexander in recent weeks. Many of them no longer trusted him, as his behavior had become more and more unpredictable.

He knew Cassander well enough to know that the man had to have some hidden agenda, even if it were as simple as having Hephaestion for his own. He knew Cassander and Alexander were not on the best of terms right now, so what better way to get back at him.

Bagoas, he thought, was just a sniveling little whore who wanted the king all to himself. He suspected that his innocent air and quietly submissive nature was just a cover for the devious thing that he was. He did not trust him at all. Only the gods knew what he was filling Alexander's mind with.

As for Hephaestion, he was completely at a loss. Something terrible had happened between him and Alexander. He had an idea what may be behind some of it. One would have to be blind not to see the hurt, anger, and frustration that Hephaestion felt as Alexander flitted back and forth between his eunuch and Roxane, and whomever else he might chose to bed. Hephaestion, who had been his lover and best friend since their youth, seemed to have been forgotten, at least on a personal level. Oh sure, Alexander needed his diplomatic and organizational skills more than ever. He knew that Hephaestion was not a spiteful man, but every man had his limits. Perhaps he had reached his. Maybe this was some sort of way to get back at Alexander.

He knew he could not go and talk to Alexander directly about this, at least not yet. Perhaps he should start with Hephaestion. He knew that Hephaestion would at the very least be honest with him, and he knew that, despite all that was going on, Hephaestion still loved Alexander very much. In his own screwed up way, Alexander loved him back just as much.

There was a great deal more to this story than what he saw on the surface, and he was going to have to get to the bottom of it before it destroyed them all.


	9. Chapter 9

Another meeting. Pointless, really, since Alexander had already informed them what they were going to do, how they were going to do it, and when they were going to do it. No one dared try to argue with him anymore. It wasn't worth incurring his wrath, which he seemed to have no problem unleashing these days.

After Alexander had gone over their plans, again, he stopped and looked around the room. "No one has any comments this time? No questions?"

He got no response from his usually vocal generals.

After a moment of silence, Craterus finally spoke up. "No, Alexander. I think the plan is quite clear. We all know what you expect of us. We will not let you down."

Alexander nodded, pleased with that answer. "Good, see to it that you don't. You are all dismissed. Health to you, gentlemen."

As was typical, Hephaestion was one of the last to file out of the room. He glanced at Ptolemy, who was walking beside him, and shrugged.

"Hephaestion! A word please." Alexander spoke in a commanding tone.

Hephaestion cringed inwardly. This could not be good. Ptolemy gave him a quick pat on the shoulder and left him alone with the king.

Hephaestion took a deep breath and turned around. "Yes, My King. What is it that you need?"

Alexander leaned back against the table, arms crossed over his chest. His steely gaze met the equally steely blue eyes of the general. "Just what the fuck kind of game are you playing, Hephaestion?"

Hephaestion crossed his arms in a defensive posture and glared at Alexander. "What are you talking about?"

Alexander slammed his fist down on the table, knocking over several wine goblets in the process. "You know damned well what I am speaking of! What is this thing with you and Cassander? You sleep with him, not once but many times, and you flaunt it in my face! How dare you show me such disrespect?"

Hephaestion nearly laughed. "Me? Show disrespect to YOU? Gods, Alexander, you truly do not get it, do you? You do not own me. I may sleep with whomever I wish. What I do on my personal time should not concern you, so long as I do my job. And you can find no fault with my work; I can assure you of that."

"Work be damned, Hephaestion! You have no right to have your little affair right under my nose! How do you think the others look upon this? You are making a fool of me in front of the men who are supposed to respect me. I will not tolerate it!"

Hephaestion's voice rose considerably and his anger started to get the best of him. "You, Alexander, make a fool of ME, every day. You flaunt your little eunuch in everyone's face. You grope him in public, and you are behaving like a drunken fool. Those who always wished ill of me because of my relationship to you are now gloating and laughing at me. They laugh at you because you cannot stay sober long enough to behave with any sort of dignity. If your men do not respect you any longer, perhaps you should look in the mirror to see who is truly to blame!"

Alexander spoke softly, his voice shaking with fury. "Do not dare speak to me that way, General Amyntoros. Do not cross a line that you will regret."

Hephaestion simply stared at him a moment. He spoke in a tone that seethed with anger, but a twinge of sadness as well. "I was once able to speak my mind to you, as we all were. Now you no longer listen to us. You do not treat us as equals as you once did. You think yourself a god, and you expect us all to bow before you. You are becoming like Darius! How dare you treat us as servants!"

Hephaestion didn't see it coming. Alexander caught him off guard as his fist connected with the general's jaw, jerking his head backwards. Hephaestion lost his footing and staggered back against the wall. He was too stunned to even react. He could not believe Alexander had hit him!

Alexander stepped back, a sneer on his lips. "Do not speak to me that way again, Hephaestion."

Hephaestion straightened himself and moved to stand in front of Alexander, close enough to feel his hot breath. Alexander's eyes were those of a madman. It took everything he had not to beat Alexander senseless, for he knew he was strong enough to do it. It would serve no purpose though, and most likely would get him executed for treason.

Taking a shaky breath, he spoke softly, his voice dripping with venom. "Have no fear, My King. I will not speak to you any more than is required of me." Something inside him broke, despite the anger he felt. His voice was filled with regret now. "The sad thing is, Alexander, you once loved me. The Alexander that I fell in love with…that I still love…would never have treated me so. It seems that man is no more. So, I will do as you command. Nothing more." He held Alexander's stare for a moment. "May I go now, My King?"

Alexander simply nodded. He wasn't sure he could speak at the moment.

Hephaestion turned on his heel and walked swiftly from the room.

Alexander dropped into a chair and buried his face in his hands. "By Zeus…what have I done?"


	10. Chapter 10

Hephaestion headed straight towards his room, avoiding everyone. He shut the door behind him and slowly made his way over to his bed, sitting on the side and rubbing his tired eyes. His jaw was throbbing where Alexander had punched him. No doubt there would be a bruise there. That would be fun to explain to everyone he thought. He wanted to cry, but would not allow himself to do it. It had nothing to do with the physical pain from his jaw; that was nothing. The pain was in his heart. He had never felt so alone in his life. How did things get so out of control? He had always prided himself on his ability to remain calm and keep things running smoothly. Even with Alexander. He had always been able to temper the king's sometimes chaotic emotions. Not so now. Truth be known, he wasn't even doing a good job of tempering his own emotions at present.

Of its own volition, a tear managed to sneak past his resolve and run down his cheek. "Fuck!" he wiped it away angrily. No, he would not give in to it, would not fall apart no matter how despondent he felt.

He looked down at the pendant that hung around his neck; a matching one to the one Alexander wore. He remembered how happy Alexander had been when he presented him with it, and the promises they had made to one another. That seemed so long ago. It was so long ago. He wondered if Alexander even remembered the significance of it at all. He closed his eyes and, with a deep sigh, slipped the cord over his head and placed the necklace on the small table by his bed. There did not seem much sense in wearing it any longer. It was just a sad reminder of what he had lost.

He knew he had to get away from this place for a while to think, and to be alone. He threw his cloak around his shoulders and made his way to the stables. His big chestnut stallion nickered softly as he approached. "Hello to you, friend. How would you like to ride today?" The horse stood patiently as Hephaestion laid a blanket on his back and fixed a bridle on him. Gripping the horse's mane, he swung his leg up and over the stallion's back. "Come on, let's get out of here."

He took off at a brisk pace, past the gardens, out of the city entirely and just kept riding. For a brief time, he didn't think. He felt the wind in his face and the warm sun on his shoulders. He heard the pounding of his horse's hooves and the rush of the wind. It was a momentary peace and he drank it in. He rode until his horse began to show signs of tiring, and the city was a speck in the distance. Slowing to a walk he made his way to the river, following its bank until he came to a stand of trees. He dismounted, allowing his horse to get a cool drink and graze in the soft grass while he went to rest under a large oak tree.

All the thoughts that he had escaped from for this short time came rushing back in on him at once, and a deep, guttural cry burst from his lips. He sank to his knees in the cool grass and began to cry. Deep sobs that came from his very soul racked his body. He cried until his stomach wretched violently, but there was nothing in it since he had not had the appetite to eat anything all day.

He could not remember the last time he had cried; really cried, like this. He wasn't so sure he had ever cried this hard before, and he was grateful there was no one around to witness his breakdown. Always so sure of keeping himself in check, it was just too much this time. He did not know how long he had been there or how long he had been crying. He only knew he was exhausted, so he stretched out in the shade of the big tree, lying on his stomach with his head cradled on his folded arms. His sobs had reduced to silent tears, which continued to fall until he fell asleep.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alexander paced back and forth in his chambers, unsure of what to do. He could not believe he had actually hit Hephaestion! He had never done that before, ever. He thought himself lucky that Hephaestion had not retaliated, for he knew that he would probably have lost that fight. He had seen Hephaestion in battle, and he was a force to be reckoned with.

On the other hand, he was still angry at Hephaestion. How could he have taken up with Cassander of all people? What was he thinking? He had practically laughed in his face when confronted with it.

Alexander kicked at a stool and cursed as he hurt his toe in the process. "Damn you, Hephaestion!" he said to himself. "What are you thinking?"

They had both said some very hurtful things to each other. Hephaestion had called him a fool! A drunken fool to be exact. Okay, perhaps he had been drinking more than usual, but it was only because he was angry with Hephaestion. And maybe he had had too much to drink a few times before that as well. He was entitled to enjoy himself as much as anyone else, and his generals were constantly getting drunk at night. Why shouldn't he be able to do the same? He certainly did not lose control of himself when he did, no matter what Hephaestion accused him of.

And why was Hephaestion so fixated on Bagoas? The eunuch had been in Alexander's company for some time, so why all of a sudden was he a point of contention? Why was sleeping with the boy any worse than Hephaestion sleeping with Cassander? Cassander! By the gods….why him? Cassander had always wanted Hephaestion for himself. Everyone knew this. What lies had he told Hephaestion? How had he wormed his way into his bed? He never really liked Cassander, and now he liked him even less. Hephaestion belonged to HIM!

Alexander sighed. He had made the mistake of saying that to Hephaestion. Not good. Hephaestion had deeply resented the comment and informed him that he did not belong to anyone! Alexander knew this, and that wasn't exactly what he had meant. It had come out all wrong. In his anger, his tongue got too far ahead of his brain.

He was still angry with Hephaestion, and no doubt Hephaestion was still angry with him. They needed to talk, and soon.

He made his way to Hephaestion's room and knocked. When no one answered, he let himself inside. No one was there. As he turned to leave, he noticed the necklace lying on the bedside table. It was the necklace that matched his own; the one he had given to Hephaestion as a youth. He had never taken it off before, yet here it was. Why had he taken it off now? He felt a cold stab of fear in his heart. Had he pushed Hephaestion too far? Was it possible to undo the damage they had both done, or was it too late? He picked up the necklace and put it on, the pendant resting on his chest next to his matching one.

He was sad, angry and depressed all at once. Until he could speak with Hephaestion, he had no idea where to go from here. He needed some wine to calm his nerves, so he headed for the dining hall. Hopefully Hephaestion would be there soon so they could sort this out.


	11. Chapter 11

Ptolemy had been searching all over for Hephaestion but no one seemed to know where he was. The grooms in the stable told him that he had taken his horse and ridden out much earlier in the day, and that he had not returned as of yet. Not that anyone could blame him. He had no idea what had happened after he and the others had left the room that morning, but he heard shouting from both men and knew nothing good had come of their talk. Now Hephaestion had gone missing.

This was not good.

After taking care of some business he had to attend to, he made his way to the hall for his evening meal. He was praying to whichever gods would listen that Hephaestion was there. They had to talk, and soon.

His arrival in the hall was not noticed by anyone. All eyes were focused on Alexander. He soon discovered why.

Alexander was drunk. Beyond drunk. Bagoas was practically sitting in his lap and was making sure there was a steady supply of wine handy to fill the king's cup. Cassander was sitting back on his couch with a smug smile on his face. It became quite clear to Ptolemy what the dynamics were in this situation. Those two were using an old hunting tactic. Separate the prey from the herd and then strike. They had managed to separate Alexander from Hephaestion, and further alienate him from his men. What venom had they poisoned his mind with? He could only imagine. Bagoas wanted Hephaestion out of the way, so he could have Alexander to himself, that was obvious. And Cassander…well, he already knew what Cassander's motive was. He simply wanted Hephaestion for himself, and he wanted to rub Alexander's nose in it when he did. He was bitter and angry at Alexander for embarrassing him over the ordeal with his father. He also knew that Hephaestion was hurt and angry over Alexander's behavior, and was no doubt using that to talk him into things he would not normally do.

This had to end.

He gave a quick word to a couple of the guards outside. "I do not care where you have to look. Find Hephaestion!" He entered the room and sat on his couch next to some of the others.

Leonnatus shook his head. "Ptolemy, can no one talk sense to him? Does he truly not see how he is behaving?"

Perdiccas sighed. "Even Hephaestion does not seem to be able to reach him." He looked at Ptolemy. "Something is not right between those two. Do you know what is wrong?"

Ptolemy shook his head. "Not really. As you said, though, something is very wrong." He looked at the other generals sitting around him and spoke with a clear voice. "It should be clear to all what influence Hephaestion has had on Alexander. He calms him. He keeps him balanced. With the exception of the last few weeks, I dare say he has been the counter to Alexander's impulsive and reckless side." He motioned towards were Alexander sat, drinking yet another cup of wine. "This is what he has become. I know his behavior has been growing worse since we arrived here, but this…this is far worse. I fear what will happen if we do not reconcile those two." He glared at Cassander. "Isn't that right, Cassander?"

Cassander smirked. "Hephaestion is a grown man. He can make his own choices. Perhaps he is tired of being used and taken for granted. Perhaps he needed someone to truly appreciate him."

Ptolemy snorted in disgust. "And that would be you, Cassander? We all know your motives are selfish ones. You do not care about Hephaestion. You only care about getting even with Alexander, and having Hephaestion for your own personal plaything. He will never love you, or even much care for you. You have to know that. Do you not see that this is destroying far more than the two men that you and that eunuch are using as pawns in whatever sick and twisted game you have devised? The morale of the men is shot, and most do not trust Alexander to lead them any more. Is this what you wanted? If so, you have succeeded."

Cassander curled his lips in a disdainful smile. "I got what I wanted. The rest be damned." He rose from his couch. "Health to you, gentlemen." He turned and walked out of the hall.

Nearchus shook his head in amazement. "What has happened to us all? What has happened to Alexander?"

"It is this place!" Leonnatus stated. "It has changed him. It has changed all of us to some extent. We have become drunk not only on wine, but on the opulence that surrounds us. We have become lazy and fattened with the spoils of our victory."

Perdiccas agreed. "Yes, I agree. I, too, love it here, but we need to leave this place, and soon. I am just not sure I want to go into battle with this Alexander. I have never questioned his leadership before, but now…." He did not finish the thought, though they all shared it.

Just then, they heard shouting from the direction of Alexander's couch. He and Craterus had apparently gotten into it about something, and their raised voices echoed throughout the hall.

"I do not trust you to lead us any longer, Alexander!" Craterus yelled. It was obvious he had been drinking as well. "You are not the man you were. You are a drunkard!"

Alexander's face was flushed. He was furious. "How dare you speak to me that way? I am still your king, and you will do as I say!"

The other generals watched the exchange with a sense of impending doom. Things were falling apart quickly.

"I will lead you, as always!" Alexander shouted. He went to rise from his couch, stumbled, and fell face-first at Craterus' feet.

Craterus laughed and looked at the others. "This is the man that is to lead us?"

Ptolemy, Perdiccas, Nearchus and Leonnatus all exchanged looks.

"Does this remind anyone of anything?" Leonnatus asked.

"It seems the spirit of Philip is alive and well in his son." Ptolemy agreed.

Alexander and Craterus had resumed their shouting match, with Alexander struggling to his feet. They looked like they were about to come to blows. Bagoas had backed away in fear.

Ptolemy felt someone touch his arm and turned. It was one of the guards. "Sir, Hephaestion has returned!"

"Thank the gods," he thought to himself. He shouted a command at the guard. "Bring him here….NOW!"

He only hoped that Hephaestion still had the ability to calm the king. If not…he really did not know what they would do.


	12. Chapter 12

Hephaestion had barely slid down from his horse when a page ran up to him, panting. The boy had obviously been running. "My Lord! You are needed in the hall, right away! I was sent to fetch you!"

Hephaestion laid a hand on the boy's shoulder. "Take a breath, boy. What is the problem?" He had a feeling he knew what the problem was, or at least who it involved.

"I do not know. I only know that General Ptolemy said you are to come right away. He has been searching for you for some time."

He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Take care of my horse" he instructed the groom. "Make sure he is rested well, and brush him down for me." He turned towards the page. "Okay, I will go."

He walked quickly towards the great hall, hoping beyond hope that things were not as bad as he suspected that they were. But for Ptolemy to have men frantically searching for him and summoning him to the hall with such haste…he had a bad feeling about it.

He was not prepared for the scene that greeted him there. The Furies themselves had been unleashed it seemed. Craterus was shouting at Alexander. Perdiccas and Ptolemy were restraining Alexander. Nearchus was trying to keep the quarreling men apart. Alexander was shouting at everyone and threatening to try them all for treason. Everyone in the hall wore horrified expressions, and Bagoas, the sniveling fool, was cowering behind a pole. And Cassander…Cassander was laughing, a derisive, smug smile on his face. It made Hephaestion's blood boil, but he would deal with that later.

Ptolemy saw him walk in. "Hephaestion!" he breathed. "Thank the gods!"

Hephaestion took a deep breath. He needed to deal with this quickly. "Alexander!" he shouted.

Alexander froze. Everyone else froze as well. The king turned his head and stared into the steely blue eyes of Hephaestion, wild-eyed and breathing hard.

"Alexander…" he repeated, in soft and soothing voice.

The king visibly relaxed somewhat. "Hephaestion! Where have you…I needed to talk…why were you not here? I needed you!" He stumbled, lost his balance, and would have fallen to the floor if not for Ptolemy and Perdiccas, who still had hold of his arms. His head bowed slightly as he blinked, trying to clear his blurry vision. "I think I need to sit…." His body slumped heavily as he was nearly passed out.

Hephaestion took charge. "Help me get him to his room" he directed at Ptolemy and Perdiccas. "Leonnatus, make sure there are guards posted outside his chambers. I do not want anyone allowed inside. Craterus! Go and sit down. It is over. Nearchus, keep an eye on Craterus. Do not let him come after Alexander again." He looked around the room. "Cassander! We have unfinished business, but it will have to wait. I do not wish to see you anywhere near the king! And Bagoas….get out of my sight."

Bagoas blinked in surprise. "Al'skander will need me to care for him. I will take him to his room."

Hephaestion stepped in front of him, his gaze cold and deadly. "You will do no such thing. You have done quite enough with your poison words. You are to stay away from the king. If I catch you even looking at him, I will run you through with my sword, but not enough to kill you. Then I will take your body and tie you to the ground, cover you with honey, and let the ants eat you alive…little by little. Is that clear? Do not make the mistake of thinking that my threats are idle ones. Go, get out of my sight!"

The eunuch backed away and ran from the hall.

Hephaestion turned his attention back to Alexander. "Come; let's get him to his room." He led the way, with Ptolemy and Perdiccas practically carrying the barely conscious king.

Once they had Alexander safely in his quarters, they laid him on the bed. He had completely passed out by this time. Hephaestion dismissed the attendants that were normally on call there. "Perdiccas, I know this is not a job for a general, but if you could do a favor for me, would you get a pitcher of water and some towels and put them by the bed here? I do not want the servants to see him like this."

Perdiccas nodded. "Anything you need, Hephaestion. I am glad to help."

Ptolemy stood quietly to the side as Hephaestion gently undressed Alexander and covered him with a blanket. His heart ached for Hephaestion as the general tenderly brushed a golden curl from Alexander's face and dropped a soft kiss on his forehead.

Perdiccas returned with the water and the towels. Hephaestion laid a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you my friend. You may go, I will sit with him."

"If you need anything, Hephaestion, just send for me. The guards are posted. They were instructed to let no one in without your permission." He turned and left, closing the door securely behind him.

Hephaestion sighed heavily and collapsed into a chair. His expression was deeply sad. "What am I to do, Ptolemy?"

Ptolemy came to stand beside him and rubbed his back in a friendly gesture. "I do not know, Hephaestion. We need to talk, but I suspect this is not the time to do that. I fear it is going to be a long night."

Hephaestion glanced at Alexander, who shifted restlessly under the covers. "I agree. You may stay, if you like. I might need your help."

Ptolemy sat in a chair on the other side of the bed from where Hephaestion sat. The two men exchanged a look.

"If I may say so, Hephaestion…you look like shit, my brother."

Hephaestion gave him a tight-lipped smile, and then both of them looked at Alexander.

Their vigil had begun.


	13. Chapter 13

Alexander rolled onto his back and opened his eyes. He quickly shut them. Gods…why was it so bright in here? And what was that awful pounding sound in his ears? After a moment, he realized the pounding sound was his own heartbeat, and it was much too loud for his liking. His mouth was dry and tasted like….well, he honestly could not think of anything as foul was what his mouth tasted like just now. He stretched, and realized that his entire body felt sore and bruised, and the pounding in his head only got worse when he moved. He felt nauseous, and his stomach muscles ached. This must surely be what Hector would have felt like if he had been alive when Achilles drug him behind the chariot. Hades would be a welcome sight at this moment.

He managed to open his eyes again, trying to focus and get his bearings. He soon realized that he was in his own room, in his own bed. Someone had undressed him and covered him up. Glancing at the chair beside the bed, he saw that Ptolemy was sleeping soundly in it. That was odd. There were towels strewn all over the floor, a basin of water by the bed, and a pitcher on the bedside table.

He sat up, and groaned loudly at the stab of pain behind his eyes and the way his stomach rolled unpleasantly. "Bagoas?" he said softly, wincing at the sound of his own voice. Even that hurt his ears.

Ptolemy stirred awake and saw the king sitting upright in his bead, and looking quite like death warmed over.

"I see the dead have risen," he said, studying Alexander closely. The man looked awful.

Alexander held his throbbing head in his hands. "Why are you here, Ptolemy? And where is Bagoas?"

"Hephaestion sent him away."

"Sent him away? But why? And where is Hephaestion then? He should be here!" Alexander grumbled.

Ptolemy stared at him for a moment. "You do not remember anything of last night, do you Alexander?"

Alexander thought for a few minutes. "I remember that I wanted to talk to Hephaestion, so I waited for him. I waited, and he never came! I got angry, and Bagoas kept filling my wine cup to keep me calm. I remember arguing with someone. That is pretty much it." He frowned. "I still want to know why Hephaestion did not come last night. And why is he not here now?" He appeared to be pouting.

Ptolemy felt anger stirring in his blood. "Alexander, may I speak freely? Without you threatening to charge me with treason as you did everyone else last night?"

Alexander was quiet. "I did that?"

"Yes, Alexander. You threatened us all with treason. None of the men trust you any more." He fixed the king with a hard stare. "So again, may I speak freely?"

Alexander nodded, instantly regretting the motion, which caused more stabbing pain behind his eyes. "Speak, my friend. I assure you I will listen."

Ptolemy began to describe the whole evening in detail. Alexander listened solemnly, his expression shocked at times, saddened at others. He listened as Ptolemy described his fight with Craterus, and how he had fallen on his face.

Alexander put his face in his hands at that point. "I have become everything I hated in my father," he said softly. He looked up at Ptolemy again. "Continue…I take it there is more."

Ptolemy went on to describe how his behavior had gone from mildly angry and frustrated to belligerent and combative, and how he passed out and had to be pretty much carried to his room.

Alexander was stunned. He remembered very little of it. "I do not understand, though. Why did Hephaestion send Bagoas away? And since he did, why is he not here taking care of me as he should? He should not have done that! What if I had needed one of them?"

His petulant tone of voice was the last straw. Ptolemy could stand it no longer. "Alexander, stop!" he said in a commanding voice. "You will listen to me. If you want to execute me for treason afterwards, I cannot stop you. But you need to hear this, so for once, be silent and just listen!" He took a deep breath.

"Hephaestion sent Bagoas away because the boy has been manipulating you, and you have allowed him to do it. He has tried to turn you against Hephaestion. How you cannot see that is beyond me. Hephaestion has ordered him to stay away from you." He paused to take a breath, lowering his voice slightly. "As for Hephaestion…he is not here because I made him leave. I sent him back to his quarters with the promise that I would watch out for you. For reasons that I sometimes do not understand, the man loves you. If you cannot see that, you are a fool."

Alexander blinked. "Go on, tell me the rest."

"I personally do not think you deserve Hephaestion at the moment. You have no idea what he has given up for you. You do not remember anything of what he did for you last night, do you?"

"No, I do not, but I assume you are going to tell me" Alexander said softly.

Ptolemy let his anger and frustration show.

"Hephaestion brought you back here after you had passed out. He undressed you and got you into bed. He sat at your bedside all night. He held your head when your stomach decided to purge itself of the wine you had filled it with. Many times, I might add. He wiped your face with a cool cloth when you were damp with sweat. He held a chamber pot for you when you were still too drunk to go and relieve yourself. All the while, you were yelling curses at him, throwing punches at him, and kicking at him. You managed to land several blows, but he just kept supporting you and holding your head as you threw up your guts. He stroked your hair and kissed your forehead when you slept. He got more water and towels to clean you up. He spoke not one word the entire time, other than to ask me for clean towels and water. When you finally calmed enough to sleep soundly, I made him go back to his quarters. You should know that the man had not eaten or slept since before yesterday. And it was because of you." He paused to let his words sink in. "You have hurt him deeply, Alexander, in so many ways. Yet despite all that, he would still lay down his life for you. That may soon be possible, for you are slowly killing him. Yes, I sent him back to his room, but I doubt he will either eat or sleep. He cannot keep this up." He stood and took Alexander by shoulders. "You have to fix this."

Alexander shook his head. "Gods, Ptolemy…I am truly a fool. What have I done?"

Ptolemy sighed. "I do not know, Alexander. But if you do not fix it soon, it will destroy us all."

Alexander was crying softly. "I will make this right, Ptolemy. I will."


	14. Chapter 14

Hephaestion slept fitfully, tossing and turning and mumbling in his sleep. He dreamed that he was being restrained, his arms and legs held down and a great weight upon his chest. He struggled to breath, trying to cry out but no sound would come. He heard…laughter. A fierce, maniacal laughter. He felt the point of a blade over his heart, and pain, white hot and sharp, as the blade stabbed into his chest….

He woke with a start, sitting straight up in bed and looking around the room wildly before finally realizing he was safely in his own bed. He was covered in sweat and panting to catch his breath. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Calm yourself, Hephaestion, it is only me." It was Ptolemy's soothing voice.

He drug his hand over his face, pushing his long hair out of his eyes. "How long have I been sleeping, Ptolemy?"

"Only a few hours, my friend. Not near enough."

Hephaestion looked panicked. "Alexander? Where is Alexander?" He started to get up.

Ptolemy gently pushed him back down on the bed. "He is sleeping, Hephaestion. I got him to eat a bit of bread with honey and drink some water, and now he is sleeping. Leonnatus is with him. He is resting, as you should be."

Hephaestion sighed and shook his head. "I cannot. I should go to him." He started to rise again, and was again pushed back down.

Ptolemy gave him a stern look. "General Amyntoros, you are ordered to rest. And you will eat something. Do not argue with me!" His eyes twinkled with humor. "Do not make me unleash those flesh-eating ants you threatened Bagoas with."

Hephaestion actually chuckled softly at that. "Fine, my friend. You win. For now."

One of the pages brought in a tray with a roasted fowl, some fruit, and some of Hephaestion's favorite honey cakes, giving him a shy smile as he sat the tray in front of him. The general's stomach rumbled appreciatively. Deciding it wasn't such a bad idea after all, he tore into his meal. He realized he had not eaten in nearly two days. He washed his food down with some watered wine sweetened with honey, then sat back, propping himself up on some thick pillows. He had to admit he felt quite a bit better, though he was still very tired. He also noticed how sore he was. He did not have a mirror to look at but he suspected that he wore a good number of bruises and scratches. Alexander was amazingly strong when he was drunk.

Alexander. The thought of him made Hephaestion frown. Last night had been awful. As much as he loved Alexander, he never wanted to do that again. He wondered if Alexander would remember even half of what he had done. Somehow, he doubted it, which was probably just as well.

"Hephaestion, we really need to talk" Ptolemy said softly.

Hephaestion looked at him and sighed. "I know."

Ptolemy hesitated as if he were trying to figure out what to say. "What is going on with you two? I think I know what Alexander's problem is. He has let this place go to his head. We both know his ego gets the best of him, and it has grown progressively worse since we have been here. His drinking has been worse, as you well know." They both cringed at that.

Hephaestion looked down, studying a large scratch on his hand, then looked up sadly. "Ptolemy, I do not think I can do this any longer." His eyes spoke volumes of the loneliness he felt.

Ptolemy sighed. "I know, my friend. I see what it is doing to you." He paused briefly. "I hesitate to ask, but what exactly happened with you and Cassander? Whatever it is, Alexander did not handle it very well."

Hephaestion felt frustrated. "I wanted to hurt Alexander. I wanted him to know how it felt to be betrayed; to know how I feel every time he leaves me to bed that eunuch, or that barbarian woman he calls his wife. Or only the gods know who else. I wanted him to know that I am a man, not a slave. He cannot fuck whomever he wants and expect me to just sit quietly until it is my turn."

"I agree, Hephaestion" Ptolemy nodded "but…Cassander?" He had to laugh at that.

Hephaestion chuckled softly. "Perhaps not one of my better decisions."

Ptolemy's eyes sparkled with some much-needed humor. "So….I've got to ask…how was he? You know..."

Hephaestion laughed heartily at that. "Ptolemy, you are a perv! But between you and me, if you are ever looking for a very submissive lover who likes it rough…Cassander is your man!" He winked.

"Good to know…but I think I will pass." He made a distasteful face. "Wow, Hephaestion….if you wanted to pick the worst person possible from Alexander's point of view, you made the right choice. I have not seen him that mad in a long time."

Hephaestion felt a touch of anger himself. "That is precisely what I wanted. I am so tired of being cast aside and taken for granted. Do you know that he had the audacity to tell me that I belonged to him? He said I had no right to have my 'little affair' right under his nose?" He shook his head sadly. "Ptolemy, I do not know who he is any more. He has always had an ego, but never like this. What does he expect me to do?"

"I do not know. I cannot tell you what to do, Hephaestion. If I were you, I cannot say that I would be as kind as you have been to him. If you had not cared for him last night…I wonder what would have happened. So many are ready to turn on him these days."

"Perhaps I really am a fool, Ptolemy. Perhaps I should have let him fall on his face and suffer the consequences." He stood and began pacing the room. "I have loved Alexander since we were children. I think I fell in love with him the first time I saw him, I just didn't know what that meant at the time. When I found that he loved me as well, I thought the gods themselves had handed me a great gift. I have always felt that we had the sort of relationship that Aristotle described as 'one soul in two bodies'. I truly believed that." He sighed heavily. "I still want to believe that."

Ptolemy sat quietly, letting Hephaestion work things out as he talked.

"I am not a fool, Ptolemy. I know he needed a wife to produce an heir. I do not approve of his choice, but he is Alexander and the choice was his own. I do not like sharing him with that woman, but I do understand the need for it." He frowned. "I cannot say that I understand his fascination with Bagoas. Oh, I know it is perfectly acceptable for him to have lovers, and many of the others have taken slave girls, pages, or eunuchs as their own. I will admit, though…I am jealous. Yes. I admit that. I have always wanted to believe that he wanted only me, and that I would always be enough for him. That is my own foolishness I suppose. Wishful thinking. Too many nights spent in the arms of Morpheus and his silly dreams."

"What are you going to do, Hephaestion?"

Hephaestion shook his head. "I have some thoughts on the matter, but I need time to come to terms with it. I have business to attend to outside the city. I will be away for a couple of days, and I will sort this all out in my head and deal with Alexander when I return. And if he should ask, I am not going alone. I am taking Kostas with me."

Ptolemy cocked an eyebrow and smiled slightly. "Your new page? I think the boy is fond of you already." He nodded approvingly. "Good for you, Hephaestion. You do not deserve to be alone."

Hephaestion made no comment on that, but handed him a sealed scroll. "Would you see to it that Alexander gets this? Thank you, my friend. I shall return in a few days."

Hephaestion knew what he had to do and had pretty much decided how to handle things from here on out. He loved Alexander, yes, but he was no longer content to sit on the sidelines and let life pass him by. He was going to make sure his own needs were met. Alexander would just have to accept that.


	15. Chapter 15

Cassander was frustrated. He had been upset since Hephaestion's angry dismissal of him the night before. He wasn't sure why Hephaestion had reacted that way to him when he laughed at Alexander. Surely he was not the only one who found humor in the king's foolish behavior. He would have thought Hephaestion would have been the first to laugh at him, considering how he had been bent on revenge just a few days before. He sighed. Those two, he thought, are enough to drive anyone crazy. Perhaps they deserve each other.

He thought back to those short days he had spent in Hephaestion's company. The man had been not at all like he expected. No, Hephaestion was not the weak sycophant that he had always thought him to be. He was far stronger than he appeared. Stronger, perhaps, than Alexander himself. In bed he had been forceful and demanding, taking complete charge. He wondered if that is how it was when he was with Alexander. He suspected not.

He knew Hephaestion was unhappy with him, but decided to seek him out anyway. He wanted him, it was simple. The man was an amazing lover. He was beautiful and perfect to the eye, and the gods had blessed him in more ways than one. If Hephaestion was merely using him, so be it. Yes, he wanted another taste of that, so he made his way to Hephaestion's quarters.

He was met at the door by one of Hephaestion's pages. The boy's face was slightly flushed, and he glanced up at Cassander shyly. "Do you wish to see General Amyntoros? He is readying himself to leave. Shall I tell him you are here?"

The boy jumped as he felt a hand on his back. Hephaestion had come up behind him silently. The general smiled at the youth, who beamed back at him adoringly. "Go and pack your things, Kostas. We will leave after our meal."

Cassander watched the exchange with interest. It seemed that the page had quite the crush on his general, which he could completely understand. Judging by the hooded look he gave the boy and the way he watched him leave, he would say Hephaestion had taken a liking to him as well.

"So, Hephaestion...I see you have companionship for your trip. The boy is lovely, I commend your taste."

Hephaestion smirked in annoyance. "What can I do for you, Cassander?"

"Do you still wish to make Alexander jealous? Or are you still angry with me for laughing at our king last night? You must admit his behavior was entertaining."

Hephaestion glared at him. "I do not think that is the word I would use for it. Appalling, perhaps. Embarrassing, maybe. 'Entertaining', certainly not. This is your king you speak of. Do not forget that."

Cassander snorted. "Oh, I do not forget that. Nor do I forget the way you used me to get back at him. I seem to recall you laughing then as well, my friend."

"I would not go as far as to call you my friend, Cassander. Yes, I used you. And you did not seem to mind much if I recall. The whole thing was your idea, you know."

"Aye, that it was. And you did not put up much of a fight. Don't tell me you are going to crawl back to Alexander and allow him to use you as he did before. Are you going to accept the crumbs he tosses you? Will you be so weak?"

Hephaestion growled and shoved Cassander against the wall. "If you wish to anger me, Cassander, you are doing a good job. What I do is my own business. What is it you wish to accomplish by angering me? What is it you are really doing here? Be honest with me for once."

Cassander sneered. "You know what I want, Amyntoros."

Hephaestion grabbed a handful of Cassander's long hair and pulled his head back, while pinning his body against the wall with his own. "If you want me to fuck you, Cassander, just say it. This is no longer about revenge. This is simply to get off. So…is that what you are asking for? Do you wish to be taken, like the submissive thing I know you to be?"

Cassander nodded. A very aggressive Hephaestion took his breath and left him speechless.

"Fine, I will have you. And this does not concern Alexander any longer; this is between us. A word to anyone else and I will make sure they all know how you like to be dominated by my thighs. I will let them all know how you beg like a whore when I take you." He shoved Cassander roughly towards the bed.

Cassander smirked. Oh, he would bide his time for now. Hephaestion may not want to have revenge any longer, but he certainly did. He was determined to have it. "Someday, Alexander" he thought, "someday I will take all that you have. You will regret treating me as you did. And I will laugh when they remember you as the fool that you are."

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alexander sat on his bed, reading the scroll that Hephaestion had sent to him before he left yesterday. He had read it several times already in fact. He sighed. Hephaestion was right. At first he had gotten angry by what he read, but that soon faded as he realized that everything Hephaestion had written was the truth, even if he did not wish to acknowledge it. The letter had not gone into a lot of detail, but touched on the main points that Hephaestion wanted to make. It was efficient and to the point, like all things Hephaestion did. There would be much to elaborate on once they talked.

He had been a fool. He knew he had lost most of the respect his men had for him and had embarrassed himself in their eyes. How he could have expected them to bow down to him...gods, what had he been thinking? These were men of honor and pride, and he had treated them as servants as Hephaestion had so bluntly put it. He cringed when he thought of his reaction to that. He would never forgive himself for hitting the truest friend he had in this world. He would have to prove himself to them again, to prove he was still worthy of their trust and devotion. He had to prove that he still respected them and had complete faith in their abilities. Perhaps then they would have faith in him again. It would not be easy, but it was a challenge he knew he had to meet.

And then there was Hephaestion himself. He fingered the matching pendants he wore around his neck. Hephaestion had given his whole life to him, and what did he do in return? He treated him like a possession. He disrespected him. He had cast him aside while pursuing the very things he used to warn against. He used to pride himself on his self-control and spoke often of the importance of self-discipline when it came to manners of the flesh. Yet here he was, allowing himself to be weakened by wine and the pleasures of Eros while ignoring the one person he should have been free to express that with. Ptolemy had informed him that Hephaestion had taken Kostas, one of his new pages, with him. He wanted to be jealous, but knew he had no right.

"By the gods, how stupid am I?" he wondered out loud.

He would arrange a meeting with his generals today, and he would apologize to them. He did not think it weak to apologize when he was wrong. He thought it an honorable thing to do, and hoped they would see it that way as well.

Hephaestion would be back tomorrow. It was crucial that they talk. Everything that was important in his life depended on it. He looked down at the necklaces, and hoped that Hephaestion would accept it if he offered it to him again. He wished he could be confident of that, but he knew he had hurt his friend deeply. All he could do was try.

He prepared a note for Hephaestion and sealed it, instructing one of his pages to leave it in Hephaestion's room so it would be waiting for him when he got back. He prayed to every god he could think of that it was not too late.


	16. Chapter 16

Alexander had called his men to a meeting. None of the generals was looking forward to it. Quite the opposite in fact. Alexander's moods had been so unpredictable lately that they never knew which version of him they were going to get. Since yesterday, though, he had been more like himself. That almost made them more nervous. Better to get this over with so they could return to their preparations.

Alexander smiled at them in greeting as they all filed into the room and took a seat at the large table. He knew how important this meeting was, and he was going to put his best face forward. There was too much at stake here to mess it up now.

"Gentlemen, I am sure you are wondering about the reason for this meeting since we already have the details of our upcoming march worked out." He scanned the room, making sure he had everyone's full attention. "This meeting is not about any of that. Please, bear with me if you would. There are things I need to say."

Looks were exchanged by the men, still not sure where this was going and still feeling a sense of dread at the whole thing.

"Let me begin by saying that I want you to speak your minds this day. There will be no repercussions from doing so. I want you to say to me whatever it is you need to say. Have no fear of it."

More confused glances were exchanged.

"Second, I want to advise you that I am postponing our departure by one week. There are things we need to attend to first, and I will not put us in a position that might leave us vulnerable for any reason."

Stunned silence filled the room, and it was about to even more so.

"Third, and most important of all, I want to apologize to each and every one of you."

You could have heard a pin drop in the room. All eyes were fixed on Alexander, who gave them a smile that seemed almost shy. He paced back and forth as he talked.

He took a deep breath and continued speaking. "Gentlemen, I have been a fool. Yes, I know this. I have behaved badly and I can only imagine what you must think of me at present. No doubt many of you have wanted to kill me in my sleep, and I would not have blamed you." He glanced around at the faces of the men he loved and trusted. "You are truly the greatest army, the greatest generals, that any man could ask for. I have been ungrateful, and for that I am sorry. My biggest folly of late is expecting you to bow to me like some sort of servants. My dear Hephaestion was good enough to bring that to my attention…more than once. I am proud of all of you. You bow to no one."

No one moved.

Alexander looked around the room at the disbelieving faces of his trusted generals. "I have let the power of this place go to my head. We all have, to some degree, but I got so caught up in it that I lost myself. I never understood Darius or their culture before now. Now, I understand completely. His men feared him. Everyone was subservient to him, and they fought because they had no choice, not because they loved and respected him. That has always been one of our advantages, at least until recently. I wish to restore that. I wish to regain your trust and respect. I know the task ahead of me. I know I have much to do before you will fully trust me again, and I cannot say that I would feel any differently."

He paused, finally sitting down on the edge of the table. "My friends…and I DO consider you my friends…I owe a debt of gratitude to those of you who have cared for me when I have been too drunk to walk. Ptolemy, Perdiccas…you two in particular. I cannot thank you enough for putting up with me. I do not know how you did it, or even why. It would have been easy to leave me as I was, passed out and ill, but you did not. You cared for me. That means a great deal to me. Leonnatus, I know you were a help to them as well. I am grateful."

He still had the full attention of everyone in the room. He tapped his fingers nervously on the table before looking up and resuming his speech.

"Craterus…I do not even know where to begin. You are a wise man, a man of honor, and I have insulted you. For that I ask your forgiveness. You were absolutely correct in the words you spoke to me. You were right to say that you did not trust me to lead you. I was not even able to lead myself. Will you forgive me, my friend?"

Craterus studied him carefully for a moment before speaking. "I do forgive you, Alexander. We were both drunk that night. I should not have spoken to you as I did regardless of how I felt. I have never doubted you before this, and I do not wish to doubt you now. As far as I am concerned, all is forgotten."

Alexander nodded. "Thank you, that is most generous of you." He glanced around the table, his eyes coming to rest on a slightly uncomfortable looking Cassander. "Cassander…", he paused. "We have had our differences, but you have never let me down on the field. Regardless of any personal issues we may have, I would like us to be able to work together. Can we do that?"

Cassander nodded thoughtfully. "I will be honest, Alexander, I was humiliated when my father sent me here, and your reaction was not particularly pleasant. It angered me, I will not deny that. And yes, we have personal issues, (like Hephaestion, he thought), but I do not wish that to interfere with anything else. I am willing to work with you if you are willing to work with me." Secretly, he hoped Alexander would fail miserably.

Alexander thought on that a moment. He knew they would never like each other, and this would be as good as it got. He also knew he would never trust him fully. "Agreed. Let's move past this then."

He looked at the others. "Does anyone wish to say anything? You may speak freely. If you wish to yell at me even, I would certainly deserve it!" He smiled. "Though I hope you do not."

Perdiccas spoke up. "I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we love you, Alexander, and we have always been willing to follow you to the ends of the earth on just your word. These last weeks have been difficult to say the least, and we were left feeling as if we had lost you. We felt we were left with no direction and no one to lead us. It has caused a good deal of dissension at times."

The others nodded in agreement. "I, for one, am willing to return to the way things were before. We are willing to give our respect and devotion, if you are willing to give the same to us in return."

"Yes," Ptolemy agreed, "we all want to return to the way things were. But, if I may speak truthfully, it is contingent on your actions. Things cannot be as they have been lately, or all will be undone again."

Alexander stood, shaking his head. "I most certainly agree." He sighed. "I cannot tell you men that I will be perfect, or that I will not stumble or make a fool of myself ever again. I am, after all, only a man…despite how I have been trying to behave. I will promise you that I will not treat you as I have been, and that you may speak your mind to me as you always did before. You have nothing to fear from me." He laughed softly. "No more threats to execute you all for treason."

Laughter was heard all around.

"Okay, I suppose that is all I have to say. You are all dismissed. Let's go and have our supper. I would like to celebrate with my men!"

"That was the easy part" he thought as they left the room. "Now I have to deal with Hephaestion." Without Hephaestion, none of the rest would really even matter. He could not lose him. He was, quite frankly, scared to death.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, I made up Hephaestion's page, Kostas. Our Phai deserves someone nearly as beautiful as himself, and someone who makes him feel alive. So…I gave him Kostas. In Greek, the name means "steadfast" or "constant".
> 
> And yes, I added some humor here. All the darkness was killing me.  
> *****************************************************************************

Hephaestion smiled as they entered the city. No matter how many times he rode through the entrance, the beauty of the place never ceased to take his breath. Call the Persians barbarians if you will, but they truly knew the meaning of living in luxury. He sighed. It was good to be back.

He glanced at the young man riding beside him and chuckled softly. The boy was wide eyed in awe of the place. He was a recent arrival, and was still was not used to it all. That the boy had been assigned to him was truly a stroke of good luck on his part. He had to admit that having Kostas around made him happy; he was like breath of fresh air. His unbridled joy at life in general gave Hephaestion a much-needed boost and always made him smile. The boy was beautiful to look at as well. He had long, slightly wavy hair the color of nutmeg, sun streaked with touches of blonde. His eyes were large and the color of emeralds. His lips were full and soft and, as Hephaestion had soon discovered, as sweet as honey to kiss. His young frame was slender, but well-defined muscles showed that this was no child. No, Kostas was older than he and Alexander had been when they became lovers. He had stop thinking of him as a boy. This was a young man, and an outstanding one at that. His youthful vigor and deeply passionate nature, not to mention his lack of shyness when it came to the joys of Eros, stirred Hephaestion's blood in a way he had not felt since…..He sighed. No, not since Mieza and a brief time after had he felt this way.

Kostas glanced sideways at him and flashed a soft smile. He absolutely adored his general and was not shy about showing it. He knew he was so very lucky to have this man as his mentor. Hephaestion was kind, gentle and wise, but also quick-witted, strong and passionate. And he quite frankly thought the general was the most beautiful man he had ever seen. There was no better gift the gods could have given him. Since Hephaestion had begun allowing him to share his bed at times, his world was complete. He had heard the talk of Hephaestion being Alexander's lover, and it made him a little nervous. He did not want the king angry with him, but he was certain Hephaestion would take care of that. He trusted him with his life.

After leaving their horses at the stables to be cared for, they headed towards the palace and the wing where Hephaestion's chambers were located. Hephaestion nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder from behind, followed by laughter.

"Joy to you, Hephaestion! Welcome back!" It was Ptolemy, who seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood.

Hephaestion laughed. "I cannot believe I did not hear you come up behind me. I am slipping, my friend."

Ptolemy's eyes twinkled with humor. He glanced over at Kostas, and then winked at Hephaestion. "Perhaps your mind was elsewhere."

Kostas studied his feet, and Hephaestion actually blushed slightly, which Ptolemy found absolutely hysterical.

"Are you through teasing me now?" Hephaestion grumbled, but he had a soft smile on his face. He really wanted to change the subject. "You seem to be in a particularly good mood today. What has happened while I have been gone? Has Bagoas been eaten by those ants I threatened him with?"

"No, but he has more or less been in hiding since that day. He watches Alexander like a hawk, but only from a distance. Whatever you said to him, I daresay he believed you!"

Hephaestion's expression turned more serious. "Kostas, please take our packs to my chambers. Have my attendants draw me a bath, and have a light meal brought in as well. I will be along shortly."

Kostas flashed a smile that would have blinded Helios himself. "It will be done, sir."

Ptolemy watched the youth as he walked away, still laughing a bit at Hephaestion. "Gods, Hephaestion! That boy has it so bad for you. And he is truly beautiful. It is too bad he is a boy. You two would have stunning children together."

Hephaestion punched him good-naturedly in the arm. "Fuck you, Ptolemy" he said, laughing. His expression darkened again, just a little. "How is Alexander? I fear to ask what has happened in my absence."

Ptolemy patted a stone bench and sat down. "Sit down, my friend. I have much to tell you."

He told him about the meeting Alexander had called that had stunned them all, and the comments and apologies that had been made. Hephaestion could not believe it.

"How did the men take it? What sort of reaction did he get?"

"Most all of them seemed to accept his apology. Cassander is being….well, he is just being Cassander. Other than that, even Craterus seems to have forgiven him." Ptolemy cocked an eyebrow at Hephaestion questioningly. "Speaking of Cassander, I heard through the rumor mill that you have still been bedding him from time to time. What in Hades is that about? You know Alexander cannot stand him!"

Hephaestion shrugged. "It is just sex, Ptolemy. How do I put this…I like to be rather rough at times, and I cannot do that with Alexander, and I will not do that to Kostas. Since I do not really like Cassander personally, and since he is so unbelievably submissive in bed…it is fun to treat him as a slave." He grinned. "I am just using him, and he knows that." He hesitated. "Back to Alexander, how is he doing? How has his behavior been?"

"You would be amazed, my friend. He sat with us all at supper last evening, and it was just like the old days. He drank, as we all did, but he did not get drunk. He laughed and joked with all of us, and he even sang some stupid, bawdy song that we used to sing at Mieza. Perdiccas dared him to do it." Ptolemy laughed and shook his head. "And Hephaestion, in case you are wondering, he has not slept with anyone since you have been gone. Not even Roxane."

"By Zeus, Ptolemy, how do you know all these things? You always know what is going on with everyone!"

Ptolemy chuckled. "I have spies everywhere."

Hephaestion smirked at him. "Remind me never to piss you off."

"Back to a more serious matter, Hephaestion, you and Alexander are going to have to talk. You saw how he was when he thought he was losing you. He fell apart worse than he had been already. We both know he needs you. Not to put any pressure on you, but…"

Hephaestion sighed and shook his head.

Kostas came running up to him. "General Amyntoros! This was on your bed. It is a letter for you! I was told it was from the King, so I brought it right away!" He waited for Hephaestion's reaction, hoping he had not overstepped his bounds. A smile from the general eased his mind.

"Thank you Kostas, you may go now."

Hephaestion broke the seal, which was definitely Alexander's, and read the note. "Well, Ptolemy, it seems we will be talking quite soon. Alexander has invited me to dine with him in his chambers this evening. He said we have important matters to discuss." He looked his friend in the eye. "I love Alexander, Ptolemy. I do. And I cannot leave him, for I know it would destroy him. But I cannot live alone constantly as I have been. I hope, by the gods, that I can make him understand that."

Ptolemy nodded. "Good luck, then. I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you. Health to you, my friend."

Hephaestion felt a twinge of nerves. He knew what he had to do, but a growing part of him did not want to do it. He wondered how much more of himself he would have to sacrifice for Alexander.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No humor here...And you guys KNOW it isn't going to be that simple, right? :)  
> *******************************************************************************

Alexander was mad. Okay, he recognized that he did not really have a right to be mad, but he was mad anyway. He knew Hephaestion had arrived a while ago and was hoping the general would have sought him out right away. They had not spoken to each other or even seen each other since that night…that night he would just as soon forget ever happened. Ptolemy had told him everything that had happened, and he had been truly horrible to Hephaestion. And ever the true friend, Hephaestion had stayed and cared for him even after the ugly things he had said and done. He had wanted to apologize for that at least, so they could move on to talk about other things this evening.

But Hephaestion had not come to him. From some of the guards he learned that Hephaestion had been in his quarters since he had arrived, so Alexander decided to drop in and pay him a brief visit. Now he really wished he had not.

In the past, they never needed to knock on each other's door. Since coming here, Hephaestion had begun to knock after walking in on him with Bagoas a few too many times. As a courtesy, he had begun knocking on Hephaestion's door as well, though there was never anyone with him.

This time, however, as he lifted his hand to knock, he heard voices. He heard laughter, followed by a brief silence. Then he heard something that chilled his blood. A moan. One he knew very well. One he had heard breathed in his ear so many times in the past. That same voice, husky with desire, spoke softly "Yes, like that…" He froze, unable to move. He couldn't stand to hear any more, but he could not seem to turn away. Another voice, slightly higher pitched but decidedly male, was heard "gods, yeeessss…"

Part of him had wanted to slip away quietly and go sulk in his room, but a greater part of him wanted to throw open the door and demand to know what was going on and who his Phai was with. The voice he had heard was not Cassander, thank the gods for that. But who? His hands curled into fists as he stood transfixed outside the door. The sounds within had increased; pants and sighs and moans from both voices assaulted his ears. When he heard it, the soft, guttural cry that only his Phai made when he came, he could stand no more.

He ripped a cord from around his neck and tossed it to the ground, then turned on his heel and stomped off towards the hall. He seriously needed a drink.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hephaestion was very relaxed. He had indulged in a little playtime with Kostas, had a nice warm bath, some wine, and some of those wonderfully sweet honey cakes that Amaltheia had sent over when she heard he was back. He decided to dress in some luxurious Persian silk, and was reclining on his bed, smiling to himself contentedly. He had sent Kostas to do some errands for him and was enjoying his solitude for the moment.

He heard a soft knock on his door, and Ptolemy's voice. "Hephaestion? Are you in there?"

He rose from the bed and went to the door. "Come in, my friend. What may I do for you?" His smile faded when he saw the look of concern on Ptolemy's face. He suddenly had a bad feeling. "It's Alexander, isn't it?"

Ptolemy nodded solemnly.

Hephaestion closed his eyes and sighed. "What has he done now?" He was almost afraid to ask.

"Nothing yet, Hephaestion. But he is very angry about something, and he refuses to speak to anyone about it. He is sipping on some wine, but I fear he will fall back into old habits if we don't calm him. You seem to be the only one that can do that."

Just then, Hephaestion noticed it. The necklace…his pendant…was lying on the ground outside his door, the cord ripped in half.

"Shit." He said quietly.

Ptolemy looked confused. "What? What is it?"

Hephaestion bent to pick up the necklace and held it out. "This. He was here. Outside my door. He must have heard…" he stomped his foot in frustration. "I was with Kostas….he must have heard us…Oh, gods…. Shit."

"Hephaestion, you have done nothing wrong. He has no reason to be angry with you. Truly. How many times have you walked in on him with that eunuch of his?"

Hephaestion stared at him a moment. "How do you know about…oh, never mind. Your spies." He drug his hand through his hair and frowned. "What the fuck am I supposed to do, Ptolemy? This is exactly what we needed to talk about, but I cannot do it if he is in this sort of mood. I will not be able to get him to see reason if he is like this." He sighed heavily. "Why is my life so much more complicated with him in it?"

They stared at each other for a moment. Ptolemy laid a hand gently on Hephaestion's shoulder. "Come on, let's go see if we can head off a disaster."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alexander sat on his couch with a scowl on his face. The few who had spoken to him realized that he was in an especially foul mood and quickly left him alone. He had a carafe of wine, but had so far only been sipping at it. He just wanted to be left alone. The last thing he wanted to see was Hephaestion walking through the door and heading straight for him. He really did not want to have this conversation, now or ever.

This was not going to be at all like the reunion he had hoped for.

He glared at the general, who had made his way across the room and was standing directly in front of him. He really felt like having a total meltdown, but in light of recent events, he thought better of it. He sighed. "Is there something you need, Hephaestion?"

Hephaestion held out his hand, in it the necklace with its broken cord. His voice was low and clipped. "You know damned well what I want, Alexander. This shit has to stop. We need to talk."

"Well, Hephaestion, I had intended on speaking with you this evening over a meal, but I get the feeling it would not be such a good dinner conversation."

"It would have been fine, Alexander, but it seems that you have already made up your mind about things, and I do not think I like the direction it is going. You want me to have nothing!"

Alexander laughed. "I have given you everything, Hephaestion! What do you mean 'nothing'?"

Hephaestion stared at him. "Gods, Alexander, how can you be so self-centered and blind? Do you care about anything besides what YOU want?" Hephaestion was furious.

Alexander glanced around the room and noticed everyone staring at them, as their raised voices had drawn attention. He stood and grabbed Hephaestion's arm. "This is not the place to do this, Hephaestion. Let's go…now."

Hephaestion gave a slight, mocking bow. "Yes, My King. As you wish."

This only served anger Alexander even further. "Follow me" he spat, turning and walking out of the room. Hephaestion followed right on his heels.

The men that happened to be nearby exchanged looks. A couple men started to go after them, but Ptolemy stepped into their path and held up his hand. "Don't" he said. "They have to work this out on their own, and I have a feeling it is going to get ugly."


	19. Chapter 19

At the first available empty room, Alexander took Hephaestion's arm and pulled him inside, closing the door behind them. The room was dimly lit, heavy curtains covering the window and only a small brazier burning in one corner.

The two men faced each other, their breathing harsh as they stared each other down. Neither wanted to be the first to blink. Even in the dim light, Hephaestion's eyes shown with a deep fire. He had simply had enough.

He spoke in a quietly controlled voice, belying the seething anger he felt inside. "What the fuck do you want from me, Alexander? Tell me. Give me my orders, my king." Sarcasm was heavy in that last bit.

"I want to know what the hell is going on with you, Hephaestion. What do you think you are doing? Who were you with earlier? I heard you, you know."

"Yes, Alexander, I know." He held up the pendant with the torn cord. "I got your message."

"Why have you betrayed me, Hephaestion? How could you do that to me?"

Hephaestion bristled at the whiny tone of Alexander's voice. He sounded more like a spoiled child than the great king he was supposed to be. "How have I betrayed you? Please, enlighten me."

Alexander snorted. "First you sleep with Cassander! Gods, Hephaestion…Cassander? Really? I did not think you liked him any more than I did."

"I don't" Hephaestion answered simply.

Alexander shook his head, confused. "Then why…" He curled his lip in distaste. "Never mind. As for today, who were you with? Was it that new page of yours? I have seen the boy, and he is beautiful. Is that who you are fucking now?"

Hephaestion glared back at him. "What if it was, Alexander? What, do you want to fuck him, too? You might as well. Everyone else in the city seems to be fair game for you. Why not take him as well? Take yet another thing from me! Would that please you?"

"If I want him, I shall have him. Perhaps he would please me more than you." His eyes seemed to hold an unspoken challenge.

Hephaestion froze. He could not believe he had said that. The remark cut him to the core. He felt extremely hurt, and angrier than he had ever been in his life. "Go ahead, Alexander. Do whatever it is you want. You always do, no matter who it hurts." He shook his head, shooting a look of disgust at Alexander. "How can you rule the world when you cannot even rule yourself?"

Alexander shoved him against the wall and clenched his fists, his eyes blazing.

Hephaestion calmly returned his gaze, showing no emotion whatsoever. "What are you going to do, Alexander? Hit me? Go ahead, you have done it before." He turned his head slightly to the side, offering himself. He maintained his stoic posture, but inside he felt something break.

He heard a sharp intake of breath as his remark hit home. Alexander took a step back, their gazes still locked.

"Hephaestion…" he said softly.

Hephaestion held his hand up, silencing the king. "Don't, Alexander. Just don't. Go, do whatever you want. Fuck whomever you want. Take Bagoas back. Marry more women." He sighed deeply, his voice sounding more resigned than angry now. "I no longer care."

This set Alexander off again. "That is not true, Hephaestion! You love me, I know you do. You are mine, Hephaestion! You always have been, and you always will be! You have to be!"

Hephaestion stared at the angry face of the man he would have gladly died for, its beauty now marred with ugly emotions that, in the past, would never have been directed at him. He spoke quietly, his shaking with his own emotions. "I hate you, Alexander."

Alexander growled. "I know."

Something flared in Hephaestion's eyes. An answering spark blazed in Alexander's eyes as well.

Suddenly, Hephaestion found himself pinned against the wall. Their lips crushed together in an angry, rough kiss. All the emotions they had been feeling seemed to manifest themselves in a violent passion that neither of them was able to stop. Alexander ripped the robe from Hephaestion's body as Hephaestion's hands grabbed him roughly through the thin silk of his pants. They were both hard, and their breathing ragged. The rest of their clothing was soon discarded as they ravaged each other. Their lovemaking bordered on violent as they struggled for dominance. Neither wanted to yield, but in the end Alexander lost the struggle, and Hephaestion took him roughly. It was over quickly, and both men collapsed on the floor as they tried to get their breathing under control again. Bite marks and bruises covered them both.

Finally, Hephaestion spoke quietly. "This solves nothing, you know."

Alexander nodded. "I know." He sighed and looked down at floor. "Hephaestion…Phai…please, come to my room tonight as I had asked. I promise, we will talk about this. We have to." He looked up, a touch of fear in his dark eyes.

Hephaestion was still and, for a moment, Alexander was terrified that he would refuse.

"Fine, Alexander. I will come. But we have to resolve this. I cannot, and will not, continue as we have been." He quietly put his clothes back on, turning to Alexander as he reached the door. "Health to you, Alexander. I will see you this evening." He closed the door behind him as he left.

Alexander simply nodded. As soon as Hephaestion was gone, he buried his face in his hands. He had fucked up again, and he knew it. He was so close to losing his Phai forever and the thought terrified him. "I have one last chance," he thought. "If I blow this one, it truly is over."


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting there, guys, I promise. There is a lot of soul-searching to be done by our guys, and despite everything, they still love each other. So…hang with me here. It will be done soon…and not Jared's "soon" (for you 30STM fans – you understand).
> 
> ********************************************************

He had no choice, really. He knew that. Hephaestion had already seen and heard what happened to Alexander when he wasn't around. For whatever reason, his presence still kept the king from doing rash, stupid things and losing his temper, at least most of the time. He knew the drinking would resume in force if he were not there to temper it. If that happened, they would truly lose it all. Macedon, all of Asia, would lose a king. The army would lose their leader and their purpose. As for himself, he felt he had already lost.

What would it be like, he wondered, to just walk away? How would it feel to be free of the responsibility of keeping Alexander in line? Of making sure he didn't make a fool of himself?

He sighed heavily. He thought how free he had felt the last few days when he had been away, on his mission, handling things himself, and accompanied by the beautiful young man who worshipped the ground he walked on. He smiled at that thought. The boy behaved towards him the same way he himself used to behave towards Alexander when they first became lovers. Alexander. The man was going to be the death of him. He had not had to worry about constantly cleaning up Alexander's messes while had been gone, and realized he had not missed it.

Their relationship had changed so much. Where they had once kept no secrets from one another, and shared everything joyfully, now it was a maze of concealments and unspoken resentments. Alexander had a whole other life now that Hephaestion was not a part of, and Hephaestion had learned to keep his thoughts to himself and accept that the one person he loved more than the world was slowly casting him aside. He did not dare show how he felt. Yes, dutiful Hephaestion, always the reliable one, was there as always to keep things running smoothly even while watching his lover become more and more distant. It was becoming increasingly difficult.

He thought of Macedon. He really just wanted to go home. He so wished he could just walk away from it all. He loved Alexander, but it was destroying him little by little. How do you walk away from the other half of your soul? Did he really want to? The answer always came back to one thing…what would happen to Alexander if he did? In the depths of his heart, he thought he already knew the answer.

With a deep sigh, he climbed out of his bath and dried himself. Kostas had brought him some wine, and he decided it might be a good idea to have a bit before he went to see Alexander. He needed a boost of courage for this conversation, which he dreaded. He slipped into a fine Persian robe of teal blue silk and matching pants. He brushed his hair until it was as smooth as the silk on his body, and added a headband of gold. Sitting on the side of his bed, he automatically reached for the pendant on his chest, realizing that it wasn't there. He had left it at Alexander's feet after their earlier encounter. Its absence saddened him even further. He wasn't sure why he was taking so much care with his appearance. What did he expect to happen? He had dreams…fantasies…of how it would be, but he knew better.

Kostas came in, his face grave with concern. "Are you okay, sir?" He had noticed the bruises all over his general's body, and the deeply sad look in those normally brilliant blue eyes.

Hephaestion smiled at him, then stood and embraced the boy gently. "I will be fine, Kostas. Thank you. Do not wait up for me. I am meeting with Alexander and do not know how long I will be. Do not worry, all will be well." He wished he felt that way.

Kostas studied Hephaestion's face for a moment. The young man didn't miss much, and he knew that Hephaestion was anything but okay. He also knew not to press him about it. If he wanted to talk, he would do as he usually did. When Hephaestion had something on his mind, he would lie in bed beside him and just listen quietly while his general talked. He didn't usually say anything; just his warmth and physical presence seemed to sooth Hephaestion. Whatever this meeting was with the king, it was obviously bothering him a great deal. He gathered his courage and reached out to touch Hephaestion's arm.

"I will be in my quarters, General Amyntoros. Please send for me if you need me…for anything." He smiled at him, and received a grateful smile in return.

Hephaestion sighed. "Thank you Kostas. I must go now. Go and enjoy your evening." He turned and walked out the door.

Kostas watched his back as he walked away. He decided he was going to stay close by tonight, just in case.

Alexander paced back and forth in his quarters. Amazing, he thought, that he had nerves of steel on the battlefield, but the thought of having this conversation with Hephaestion was making him a nervous wreck. In battle he knew what to expect, knew how counter any attack, knew exactly where he wanted to be and how to get there. This…he felt lost and totally out of his element. His men truly would not trust him to lead them if they could see him as he was now. Gods, he didn't even trust himself right now.

He had been thinking for several days about the things he wanted to say, but every time he opened his mouth lately, he had made a total ass of himself. He knew he had made things so much worse than they were to start with. He poured himself a cup of wine, only mildly annoyed that Bagoas was not there to do it for him. The eunuch had stayed far away from him since Hephaestion had apparently threatened him with death. He knew Hephaestion did not like the boy, but he thought that perhaps he had overreacted a little. That was not something he really wanted to bring up just now, not when there were far more important things for them to talk about.

He wandered out to the balcony and leaned on the railing, looking out over the beautiful city that he had grown to love. Everything here was so beautiful. He wondered what it would be like if he just stopped his drive to conquer all of Asia. What would it be like to settle here, to live out his days here in the comfort and opulence that Darius had so kindly vacated for him? He laughed at himself. No, he would be bored to tears after a while. He needed a challenge, something to conquer, a goal to be reached. He was Alexander, after all.

Challenges. He sighed. Oh yes, he had challenges aplenty. He still had to work to rebuild the trust of his generals, though that seemed to be going relatively well. He could handle that. He had challenges with the army, with supplies, boring administrative shit he hated to do, and then there was Roxane…she was most certainly a challenge, and not always in a good way. All of those things, though, he could deal with.

Then there was Hephaestion. Gods, what to do about Hephaestion. He started to pour himself a second cup of wine, but decided perhaps that it wasn't a good idea. He wanted a clear head. The last time he had drunk more than a couple cups of wine…he shuddered. He might not remember much about that night, but he was sure that Hephaestion remembered every single damn thing that happened. He felt awful about it. Ptolemy had told him everything, and he was appalled at his own behavior. That Hephaestion had stayed with him simply blew his mind.

He had punched, kicked, and cursed at his beloved Phai that night, not to mention the incident when he had punched him in the jaw. It was amazing that Hephaestion had not killed him outright. He doubted anyone would have questioned him about it at all.

He felt really guilty about all that but, in the back of his mind, he was still pissed off at Hephaestion for bedding Cassander, and now his new page. Hephaestion had never shown any interest in being with anyone but him before now. He did not understand what had changed. He could not help the jealousy he felt. It scared him, too. It felt more and more like his Phai did not want him. He wasn't sure he could deal with that. He had always just assumed that Hephaestion would be there at his side, no matter what. No matter what happened, his Phai was his constant, his anchor. He feared he would be hopelessly lost without him.

He looked around at the opulence that surrounded him, and back again at the city spread out before him. Without Hephaestion, he wondered if any of it would even matter to him anymore. It was their dream, wasn't it? He wondered. Had he ever really stopped to think about what Hephaestion wanted? No, he didn't think he had. He pondered that a moment, and decided that he was afraid of what the answer might be.

So lost in his thoughts was he that he did not hear Hephaestion enter his quarters and come up behind him. The hand that was laid on his shoulder startled him, and he nearly jumped out of his skin. He heard a soft chuckle behind him. He did not turn around. He simply smiled. "Phai…I was not sure you would really come. I am glad you are here."

"I am here, Alexander. We have much to talk about."

Alexander poured a cup of wine and handed it to Hephaestion, motioning towards the chairs behind him. "Sit down, Phai." He hesitated. "I am not sure where to begin…"

Hephaestion drained his wine cup and sighed heavily. "Then perhaps I should start…"


	21. Chapter 21

Hephaestion leaned on the railing, staring off into the distance at faint flashes of faraway lightning. He did not really feel like sitting. "It is so beautiful here," he said softly.

Alexander came to stand beside him, just close enough that their shoulders were touching. He was in awe, as usual, at just how beautiful Hephaestion really was. He so desperately wanted to take him in his arms, but he was afraid to say or do anything, terrified that Hephaestion would turn and walk out of his life forever. He knew he deserved nothing more. "It is, Phai. I love to stand here at night. It seems so peaceful. Everything seems so far away. Gaugamela seems like a distant memory." He sighed deeply. "So much has happened to us since then."

Hephaestion turned towards Alexander, to find the dark eyes studying him carefully. For a few moments, neither spoke. The tension in the air crackled as much as the distant lightning.

"Alexander, before we go any further, I need to know something."

"What is it, Phai?"

Hephaestion turned his gaze back towards the city. "Do you love me?"

Alexander grasped his arm and turned him around to face him. He looked surprised. "How can you ask me that, Hephaestion? You know that I do!" He reached to touch Hephaestion's face, but hesitated. He was still afraid to do much of anything. "Did I not tell you that you were the only one I loved? Did I not say that I would be with you always? Of course I love you!"

Hephaestion said nothing, but his mouth tightened slightly as he broke their gaze. He wanted to believe that.

"Phai…" Alexander said, almost in a whisper, "Why do you ask me this? Do you not believe me?"

Hephaestion turned around, pouring himself another cup of wine and dropping wearily into a chair. He looked into the eyes of his best friend with a hard stare. "Then why?"

Alexander was lost. "Why….what? Hephaestion, what are you talking about?"

Hephaestion felt his hurt and frustration building. "Alexander, when was the last time we were together, as lovers? Even just as friends?"

Alexander didn't answer for a moment, looking down sadly. "It has been a while…" he said, almost in a whisper. He sank down in the chair next to Hephaestion.

"It has been well over a month. And before that? How long?"

Alexander looked down at his feet, saying nothing. It was silent. Hephaestion was waiting for an answer. He couldn't give one. "Honestly, Phai… I do not remember."

"Exactly. So tell me, then, how long has it been since you have shared your bed with Bagoas?"

Alexander jerked his head up, stiffening his spine in a defensive posture. "Hephaestion..." he began in a warning tone.

Hephaestion held up his hand to stop him. "No. Let me tell you, Alexander. It was the night before your little drunken meltdown. And before that? Almost every night, except for when you went to be with Roxane. I would say the only reason you have not been with Bagoas recently is because I threatened the boy to stay away from you. I am quite frankly surprised you have not ordered him back to your bed." His voice was filled with bitterness. "He seems to please you more than I. I do not know who else you have bedded, and I am not sure I even care." He rose from the chair and walked to the balcony, turning around to face Alexander. "It seems that my place in your life has been made abundantly clear."

Alexander stood, his arms crossed over his chest. "Bagoas, Bagoas. Always Bagoas. Why can you not let that go? You did not seem to mind at first. As for Roxane, you know I have a duty to her. She is my wife. I need an heir. That is simple. You, my dear Hephaestion, cannot give me that."

Hephaestion was growing angry. "Gods, Alexander! I am not stupid! I do not begrudge you an heir. I am not so selfish that I would wish to deny you that. I may not agree with your choice of a wife, but that is irrelevant at this point." He paused to calm himself slightly. "As for Bagoas, I was never okay with it. Yes, I have minded from the very beginning. As usual, I held my tongue because I wanted to avoid this sort of drama, but it seems as if that did not work. When you began taking him to your bed most nights, I again held my tongue." He paused again, his eyes full of hurt mixed with anger. "Since all that began, I have been nothing to you but another of your generals, your secretary, and the one you dump all of your administrative crap on. You have not given me a second thought so long as my work was done."

"How in Hades do you know what I am thinking, Hephaestion? Are you an oracle? If you knew my mind, you would know that is not true. I love you, how many times do I have to say it?"

Hephaestion shook his head. "You still do not get it. You may say it all you like, but your actions do not reflect your words." He tilted his head slightly, studying Alexander's face. "Let me ask you this. What is it you expect of me? I am not speaking of work. I mean, me personally, our relationship. How do you expect me to behave towards you? What do you expect me to do in relation to 'us'?"

Alexander was silent. He really wasn't sure what to say. He had, frankly, never stopped to think about it. Hephaestion had always just been there when he needed him, every step of the way, in whatever capacity he needed. When he wanted to spend intimate time with him, he had never been turned away. Hephaestion was…well, he just WAS. He did not like being put on the spot about this. "I do not know what to say, Hephaestion."

Hephaestion nodded. "I did not think that you would. And that is why I ask it. I would like you to think about that. I have reached a point where I cannot continue with things as they are. I have tried to tell you, tried to explain, and so far, your reaction each time has been to get angry and defensive with me. If I cannot talk to you, then we truly are doomed. Surely you see that."

Alexander wavered between panic and frustration. "What do you want me to say, Phai?"

"Only the truth. Your answer will decide where I go from here."

Irritation seemed to win out for the moment. "Maybe I should ask what it is you expect of ME? How do you expect me to behave, Hephaestion? What do you want from me exactly?"

Hephaestion sighed and spoke softly. "I expect only your love and respect. Flaunting that slave in front of me, ignoring me night after night, not even taking time to talk as friends…these actions show that you do not respect me or my feelings. It shows that you take me for granted. It shows that you value me much less than you once did. I do not expect you to devote all your time to me. I do not expect you to forgo having an heir. I am not naïve enough to expect that you will never have any lovers besides me. What I do expect, though, is for you to not treat me as an afterthought. It is almost as if you say to yourself 'oh yes, no one else is available at the moment, so I will have Hephaestion now'. And you expect me to drop everything and come running."

Alexander went to interrupt, but Hephaestion held up his hand to stop him. "No...let me finish, Alexander. I need you to truly listen to what I am telling you."

Alexander nodded silently, his posture still defensive.

"You expect me to be there immediately if and when you want me, but those times have been few and far between these days. Am I expected to simply sit alone until you send for me, like some slave boy? I am lonely, Alexander. I have been for quite some time, so I find someone to share my bed and whose company I enjoy, and you blow up at me. I need companionship as much as you do. This is not about sex, Alexander, though it is a part of it. I will admit, the thing with Cassander was deliberate. I wanted you to feel the way that I feel when you bed anyone who catches your eye. I wanted you to hurt as I do. Yes, it was for revenge of sorts. That my behavior has stooped to that level appalls me. I have always been above that sort of thing, yet here I am."

He stopped to take a breath. Alexander's face was devoid of emotion, so Hephaestion could not tell at all how he was feeling. It frustrated him.

"Have you ever stopped to think about what I want or need? Your dreams have always been my dreams. I have followed you without question, happy to share in this dream of yours. But have you ever bothered to ask if I had dreams of my own? Has it ever occurred to you that I may have goals and desires of my own? I daresay you have not."

He took a deep breath, looking at Alexander sadly.

"It comes down to this, Alexander. You need to figure out exactly what it is you expect of me and what you want me to do. If I cannot live with your expectations, then I will request to leave and return to Macedon. You are the king; you could order me to stay. But you cannot order me to give myself to you as I always have. You do not have that right."

Alexander felt like he had been kicked in the gut. His anger had been replaced by a sick feeling that chilled his blood.

"Hephaestion…I…" he sighed. "This is not how I wanted this evening to go."

Hephaestion nodded. "I know, Alexander. You expected that you could woo me with your words of love and flattery, and seduce me with your kisses. No. Not this time. I will not give you that. I will not simply drop the matter and return to how things have been because you make love to me. No more. You have to decide, what is it you want? If it is me, then things must change significantly. If I am not what you want any longer, then you need to set me free. I cannot live this way anymore. The decision is yours. I will say that I fear what will happen to you without me. I do not mean that to sound arrogant, but I have seen how you have reacted before when you thought you had lost me. Do not think I am not aware of the consequences my leaving would have, but I cannot stay simply out of guilt. If I leave, your problems will be your own. I will not be around to fix everything for you. Bear that in mind."

Hephaestion stood in front of Alexander and gave him a wistful smile. "I love you, Alexander. I always have, and I always will. It is your turn to decide what you really want. I will take my leave of you now. Think long and hard about what I have said. Come to me when you have given the matter some thought and decide what you expect of me. Health to you, my king." He turned on his heel and walked silently out the door.

To Alexander, it felt like he was walking not only out of the room, but also out of his life.

For the first time in longer than he could remember, Alexander was truly afraid.


	22. Chapter 22

Hephaestion walked quickly away from Alexander's room and straight for his own. As soon as he entered his quarters, he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. Gods, that had been the hardest thing he had ever done. He had managed to hold it together and say most of what he had wanted to say, but it tore at his very soul to do it. Even though he knew it all had to be said, a large part of him just wanted to take it all back and forget it ever happened. It would be so much easier to just leave things alone. And he would just go on being miserable. No, he couldn't do that.

He removed the wide gold bracelets that he wore, tossed the headband on the floor, and flopped backwards onto his bed. He rubbed his eyes and sighed heavily. He felt numb. He was weary to the bone, sore, and emotionally shot. He played his conversation with Alexander back in his mind over and over until it nearly drove him crazy. What could he have said differently? Did he say too much? Not enough? He supposed it was really too late to worry about it now. It was done.

Alexander had been still long enough for him to say all that he wanted to say, and did not really react much to the words he had spoken. Alexander looked to be in shock, actually. Hephaestion had never confronted him on anything like this and it was clear he didn't know what to think. It was also clear that he had never really thought about what Hephaestion wanted. It was always assumed that he wanted whatever Alexander wanted, but that was not always the case.

He covered his face with his hands and groaned. His head hurt from thinking too much.

He heard footsteps approach softly and a knock at his door. He knew without looking that the soft knocking was Kostas. The young man seemed to always appear just when he was needed. It was uncanny.

"Come in, Kostas. It is alright."

The boy entered, carrying a carafe of wine. "I brought wine for you, General. I know you did not call for me, and I hope I have not overstepped myself…"

Hephaestion raised his hand to silence him. "It is fine, Kostas. You always seem to know what I need. Come, bring it in, and sit with me." Hephaestion got up out of his bed and sat in one of the chairs next to his small table.

Kostas poured a cup of wine for him and sat in the opposite chair. He smiled softly at his general. He could tell that the man was distressed. He reached for the pins that held his chiton in place and paused. "Would you like to lie with me? Would that help?" He would not have dared say that to most of the other generals had he been their page, but he knew Hephaestion was very forgiving and allowed him to speak a bit more freely than most. He received a grateful smile in return.

"No, Kostas, thank you. It is just comforting to have your presence right now. I enjoy talking with you, you know."

Kostas blushed. "And I you, sir. Have you eaten? Do you need something to eat?"

Hephaestion was actually a bit hungry. He and Alexander never did eat anything. "Yes, I think I could eat something. Would you have a light meal brought for me please? Oh, and go to the kitchen and speak with Amaltheia. Tell her General Hephaestion's sweet tooth is acting up. She will know what to do." He grinned at the boy. "If you are good, I may even share."

Kostas smiled one of his killer smiles in return. "Yes sir! I will return soon!" The boy dashed out the door.

Hephaestion chuckled. Kostas never failed to make him smile and laugh. How different he felt around him than with Alexander. Gods…what a mess.

"Are you busy, Hephaestion?" he heard a voice say. Ptolemy stepped into the room. "The door was open, so I let myself in. I saw Kostas leave, so I figured the coast was clear. Nothing illicit going on, anyway." He winked.

Hephaestion laughed and threw a pillow at him. "What, do you think that is all I do these days?"

Ptolemy arched an eyebrow at him. "Well, you must admit you have done an awful lot of that in recent days. Cassander, Kostas…, and Alexander from what I hear."

Hephaestion shook his head in amazement. "By the gods, Ptolemy! You and your spies!"

Ptolemy sat down across from Hephaestion and studied his friend's face. "I take it you had a talk with Alexander this evening? How did that go?"

Hephaestion sighed. "I honestly wish I could tell you. I said my piece, but he had very little reaction. I just asked him to think about it all and come to me when he had some answers for me. I just don't know. I am afraid of what he will say to me. And what if I cannot accept what he says? Will I truly be able to leave him? What will happen to him if I do? This is such a fucking mess. I feel like no matter what I do, I lose."

"Well, Hephaestion, I guess that is true. Either way you lose something. The question is, will it be easier to lose Alexander…or yourself? I know you feel responsible for him. I know you feel that if you leave him, it will all fall apart. I would be lying if I said that was not a possibility. You keep the man sane if you ask me. But, you cannot let that keep you from living. You have been in his shadow for far too long. You surely have dreams of your own. I assume you said all this to him."

"I did. I am still not sure he gets it. I am merely an extension of Alexander himself, not a separate being. I think that is how he sees things. I doubt he has ever given pause to think differently. It is my fault. I have allowed it. I told him, though, that if we could not come to terms on things, I would ask to return to Macedon."

Ptolemy whistled under his breath. "Wow. And what reaction did he have to that?"

"Panic, I think, though he was trying to hide it. The only thing in my favor is that he truly appeared to be afraid at the thought of me leaving. I hope by the gods that he can sort this out in his head." He sighed. "I do not want to leave him, Ptolemy. I truly do not. I am not sure I would survive it if I try."

Ptolemy stood and walked behind Hephaestion, laying his hands on his shoulders and squeezing lightly. "Then let us pray to the gods that you do not have to. I will leave you to rest. Enjoy your evening. And enjoy Kostas." He grinned and winked as he walked out. "Health to you, general!"

All Hephaestion wanted was some of Amaltheia's honey cakes, some wine, and to stop thinking. He looked forward to Kostas' return. He would help him forget for a while.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm almost done. I'm working on the last part now, and I have to admit it is incredibly difficult to write. I want to get it right, so bear with me. I promise to tie up all the loose ends. Thanks for being patient.  
> ************************************************************

Alexander had been up all night. He had not even tried to sleep, for he knew it would be useless. He had spent much time pacing back and forth in his room, his mind racing. Different scenarios played out in his head, yet, no matter what, they all ended up in the same place.

He sighed and sat down, exhausted from all of it. He loved Hephaestion so much. How had things gotten so fucked up he wondered. Why is it that he continually hurt this man who was the other half of his soul?

They had been through so much together, good times and bad. Hephaestion's love and loyalty had never faltered, even once. He sadly wished he could say the same for himself.

"Hephaestion is right," he thought. "Sometimes I truly do have my head up my ass."

He thought back over the events of the last few months; the last few weeks in particular. He was sickened at how he had behaved. He was so very fortunate that his men were willing to forgive him. They had every right not to. They were all such good men. Well, with the possible exception of Cassander, whom he did not trust any further than he could throw him. The man did his job well, though, so he could tolerate him.

He wanted to go back in time, to do so many things differently, but that wasn't possible and he had to deal with the fallout of his actions.

He sighed heavily. He knew exactly what he had to do. Best to get on with it. He dressed and headed for Hephaestion's quarters.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was early. The sun had only been up a short time, but Hephaestion was already at work, pouring over reports and answering correspondence. He absently nibbled at one of the honey cakes left from last night as he read. Kostas sat at his table, reworking the lacing on one of his boots.

Hephaestion smiled as he popped the last of the honey cake in his mouth. "I'm going to get fat if I keep this up" he thought. Damned Amaltheia and her wonderful cakes! He couldn't resist them. He had slept surprising well, considering his meeting with Alexander left many huge, unanswered questions. He had forced himself to relax and sat up late into the night talking and laughing with Kostas. Just the young man's presence soothed him.

A tapping on the door drew his attention, and Kostas hopped up to answer it. He heard a sharp intake of breath from the youth and raised his head to see what the matter was. In the doorway stood Alexander, dressed not in the Persian silks he wore so often, but in a white chiton with his cloak of deep red and gold around his shoulders, and leather boots. He looked very regal, and very handsome. Hephaestion swallowed hard. He was NOT going to cave in that easily.

Kostas backed away from the door, bowing. "My Lord!" He was terrified. If the king did not approve of his relationship with his general, he could simply order him to be sent away. He would be devastated.

Alexander smiled gently at the boy. "You are Kostas?"

"Yes, My King", he said shyly.

"Relax, boy. You have nothing to fear from me. It is I who should be grateful to you for taking such good care of my Hephaestion.

Kostas was stunned, but pleased.

"I would like to speak with the general alone now, Kostas."

Hephaestion looked from one man to the other. "Kostas, you may go now. I will send for you when I need you. Thank you for your help this morning."

Kostas smiled brightly, as he always did at his general, and practically ran from the room.

Alexander laughed softly. He seemed to be in a fairly good mood, which Hephaestion thought was a bit odd all things considered. "He is beautiful, Phai. And he adores you." He paused. "Does he make you happy?"

"Yes," Hephaestion stated honestly. "He does, very much so."

"Have you asked him to be your eromenos yet?"

Hephaestion sat up straight, immediately defensive. "No, Alexander, I have not."

Alexander raised his hand to still Hephaestion. "Do not be defensive, Phai. I merely asked." He frowned, saddened that his friend reacted that way to him. Was he truly such a monster? He supposed he had been acting like one. "Hephaestion, I have thought all night about the things you said, and I would very much like to talk about this more."

Hephaestion noticed the faint dark circles under Alexander's eyes. "Did you sleep at all last night?"

Alexander sighed. "No. I had much on my mind as you well know. I want to talk about this, but I do not want to do it here where we would most likely be interrupted or distracted. Would you ride with me? We could go to the river, like we used to do. We can talk in peace there."

Hephaestion sighed. He rather dreaded this, but knew they had to settle things one way or another. "That is fine, Alexander. Let me dress and we can go."

"Should I step outside?"

Hephaestion shot him a "don't be ridiculous" look and shook his head. There was no need to go to that extreme, no matter how things were between them.

Alexander watched Hephaestion slip out of his sleep robe, and it took his breath. His Phai was truly the most beautiful man he had ever seen. It took everything he had not to go and wrap his arms around him, but he knew it was not a good idea so he refrained.

Hephaestion dressed quickly, dressing almost exactly as Alexander had, and tied his long hair up with a leather cord. He was acutely aware of Alexander watching his every move, and it took everything he had not to go to him. He wanted to kiss him so badly, but he knew it was not a good idea.

"I am ready. Shall we?" Hephaestion motioned towards the door.

They walked to the stable, not talking and just far enough apart that they were not touching. When they reached the stable, Hephaestion turned to look at Alexander with a slightly annoyed look on his face. His horse was readied and waiting for him. He cocked an eyebrow and started to speak.

Alexander quickly held up his hand to stop him. "No, Hephaestion, I was not just taking it for granted you would come." He spoke softly. "But I was definitely hoping you would."

They rode out, again in silence. The day was warm and pleasant, and it felt good to be out of the city and away from everything. Hephaestion led the way to his favorite spot near the big oak tree. He loved it there. They dismounted and left their horses to graze in the soft grass. Alexander had brought a pack with a skin of wine and two cups, which he set out on the blanket he had brought. It reminded them both so much of the old days, when they used to steal away like this all the time to talk and to make love. That seemed like forever ago.

They settled on the blanket and he poured them a cup of wine. Hephaestion leaned back against the big oak and closed his eyes. Neither of them had spoken, both afraid of what the other had to say.

Finally, Alexander broke the silence. "I do not want to have this conversation, Phai. I really don't."

Hephaestion looked at him sadly. "Nor do I, Alexander." He sighed, looking down and picking at a blade of grass. "But we have to. So, tell me…what are your thoughts?" He did not want to meet Alexander's eyes. His heart already knew.

Alexander drained his cup of wine and looked at the face of the person he loved most in the world. "Okay. Let me get through this before you say anything. I need to get it all out before I lose my nerve or change my mind."

Hephaestion nodded solemnly. "Go ahead. I'm listening."


	24. Chapter 24

Alexander sighed heavily. Neither man seemed to want to look the other in the eye. Alexander was not used to feeling fear, at least not like this. A little fear in battle was a good thing. Fear of this sort…he did not think he had ever known it before today. It made him unsure of what to do, but he knew he had to push past his fear and say what he needed to say.

He reached out and took Hephaestion's hand, studying their interlocked fingers before finally raising his gaze to meet the cool blue eyes of his best friend. Gods, why did the man have to have the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen? He swallowed hard.

"Before I say anything else, Phai, I want to say this." His voice was tight as he struggled to speak. "I love you, above anyone else in this world. There truly is no other that I love, and no other that I trust as much as you. You have never once failed me, and never once have I had reason to doubt you in any area. Any insecurities I have had have all been in my own head. I want you to know that, wherever we go from here, I will never cease to love you. Not ever. I want to make sure that you know that. It is important to me."

Hephaestion nodded slowly and waited for him to continue.

"I want you to know that I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen, male or female. Your beauty is stunning to me, and as you once said to me, you strike me every time I see you. The only thing more beautiful than that is your soul. You are a truly beautiful soul, with a heart bigger than all of Asia. Never have I seen a man such as you. I would not want to face you in battle as you are a formidable opponent, but then you turn around and are as gentle and caring as anyone I have ever known. You have a calm grace about you that awes not just me, but most everyone around you. You truly are like no other."

He released Hephaestion's hand and sat back, drawing his knees up to his chin and clasping his hands around his legs. He took a deep breath and continued as Hephaestion sat silently, letting him talk it out.

"I am a selfish man, Phai. I admit it. I know I can be generous with material things, but overall…I am selfish. I have always been so with you. When we were children I was jealous if you played with anyone else. When we were youths, I got very possessive with you the closer we became and could not stand the thought of anyone else touching you. As men, I have always wanted you for my own. Again, the thought of anyone else touching what I considered to be mine was not something I could handle. I have been selfish not only of your body, but of your mind as well. I have always had you beside me and yes, I have taken that for granted. I think it would be more accurate to say that in recent times, you have not been beside me, but behind me."

He looked away for a moment, and then returned his gaze to those amazing cerulean eyes he loved so much. He was fighting hard to keep it together and was barely managing it.

Hephaestion watched the emotions play across Alexander's face, noticing the slight shimmer in his eyes of tears that wanted to come, but were continually fought back. His heart was heavy. Though he did not know for sure what Alexander was going say, a feeling of sadness washed over him, and he was already fighting back his own tears. In his heart, he knew it was not going to be the fairy tale ending he would have liked. For either of them.

"What I need to do now is apologize to you. For everything. For being so selfish, for taking you for granted, for ignoring you, for not appreciating all that you do. I have been an ass. I have treated you horribly lately, and I am sickened by what I have become. I will never forgive myself for hitting you. There is nothing you could have ever said or done to me that would have deserved that. I have said some truly awful things to you as well. The fact that you are here, willing to listen to me and forgive me, only proves to me how amazing a person you really are, and how big an ass I really am."

Hephaestion opened his mouth as if to speak, but was stopped by Alexander's upraised hand.

"No, Phai. Please. There is more I need to say to you." He paused, taking a drink of his wine and gathering what was left of his courage.

"All of your life, Hephaestion, at least since you have known me, you have lived in my shadow. I always told myself that you walked beside me, that you were as one with me." He looked at Hephaestion sadly. "But that really is not so. I have always been a step ahead, and you have always been right behind me. You were there to push me forward, to encourage me, to catch me when I stumbled…which was often…, to clean up my messes when I made them…and there were many. You have been the strength that has allowed me to do the things I have done. You have held me together when I would have fallen apart. Without you, none of what we have accomplished would have happened. You have more power, Hephaestion, than even I, though I know you don't think it. You could have let me fall flat on my face, but you have saved me at every turn, in every way imaginable. In all this, it was I who received the glory and the rewards. And you…you were again behind me. Yes, I know you have been happy for me and have celebrated with me, but we celebrated for different reasons. I celebrated because I achieved another goal, another step in a quest that never seems to satisfy me. I only want more all the time. You, my love, celebrated because I was happy. You celebrated my joy and my success. You were not truly celebrating the conquest for the reasons I did."

He paused again, drawing a deep breath and sighing heavily. He really did not want to continue, but he had no choice.

"This is my dream, Hephaestion, not yours. I know that. I have deceived myself into believing we wanted the same things but, in fact, we do not. I want to conquer the world, and you only want to be by my side while I do it. You were right last night when you said I have never stopped to think about what YOU wanted, what dreams you had if any, what your goals were. I have kept you in my shadow for so long that I wonder if you even have dreams of your own now. Have I killed those for you? I pray I have not. I truly want you to be happy, Hephaestion, whatever that means. And that brings me to this…"

When Alexander looked up this time, the tears he had been holding back were now silently running down his face. It broke Hephaestion's heart, but he simply waited. He knew Alexander was struggling to speak.

"For once in my life, Hephaestion, I am going to put you first. I am going to do what is probably the first completely selfless thing I have ever done." He choked back a sob. "I am setting you free."

Hephaestion could not say anything. His throat was tight and he had lost his battle with his own tears.

Alexander continued. "What that means, Hephaestion, is that you are free to do whatever is best for you. Personally, I wish you would take Kostas as your eromenos. The boy is head over heels in love with you, anyone can see that. He makes you happy, does he not?"

Hephaestion shook his head. "Yes, very much so."

"Then do it, Hephaestion. You deserve to be happy more than anyone I know. I do not make you feel that way. I am not so big a fool that I cannot see that. His love frees you. Mine consumes you."

Inside, both men were dying.

"Take Kostas, be happy with him. I am so sorry that you have been lonely for so long. I should have seen that, but we both know I could not see past my own ambitions."

He spoke softly, almost apologetically.

"I will make one selfish request, but if you chose a different path I will not interfere. I truly hope that you will stay with us here. I do not want you to go back to Macedon. I need you, Hephaestion, I will not lie. I need your skill and your expertise. If you wish me to send you on away missions, that is fine. At least I will know where you are and that I won't have to worry about anything. I need your friendship, if you are willing to give it to me still. I know that may be asking too much. I'm trying to feel my way through this, and I don't know that I am doing such a good job. Forgive me if I seem like I am rambling and contradicting myself. I will be honest, I had really wanted to ask if we could still make love from time to time, as we used to, but I know that cannot happen. That would only put things right back where they are now, and keep both of us torn inside. You cannot spend your life waiting around for me, and it is not fair of me to ask. Do you agree?"

Hephaestion nodded, unable to speak.

"Can you remain here with us? If you can, we need you. If it would be too difficult for you, then you are free to return to Macedon. I would arrange travel for you. You could take a few men and Kostas, and go home. This, my dear Hephaestion, is up to you. I will honor whatever it is you wish to do. I have no right to ask anything of you. But without you, I do not know if I can do this. I am not sure I even want to."

Hephaestion bit his lip, trying to keep from breaking down entirely. It may not be the best decision for him, but it was the only one he was capable of making. He spoke softly. "I will stay, Alexander. I will stay as long as I am free to live my life, as you said. We cannot be lovers, even if it is once in a while, for that would just break my heart all over again when I had to give it up once more. I do not really know what my dreams are any more, but I would like to find out. I could return to Macedon, yes, and it would be much simpler for both of us, but I cannot. I would wonder and worry about you so much that I could not enjoy it. At least if I am here, I can keep an eye on you." He gave a half-hearted smile. "Someone needs to."

Alexander could stand it no longer. He grabbed Hephaestion and held him as tightly as he could. They both lost it, allowing all the emotions pent up inside them to come out. They sat for what seemed like hours, holding onto each other and not wanting to let go. This would be the hardest thing either of them had ever done.

They finally pulled apart and looked into each others eyes. Alexander reached up and slid his hand into Hephaestion's silky hair. "Could we make love, Hephaestion, just one last time? Once we return home this evening, that part of our life is over. Can we just have it a few moments more?"

Hephaestion's answer was to push Alexander down on the blanket and lean over him, kissing him gently. "Yes, Alexander. One last time."

They made love sweetly and gently, drawing it out, and knowing that this would be the last time. When it was over, they both cried. Time would hopefully heal them, but for now their hearts were shattered into a million little pieces.

Ptolemy was right, Hephaestion thought. He had gained his freedom, but he had lost a part of his soul in the process.

Alexander knew all to well what he had lost. He hoped someday he could forgive himself.


	25. Chapter 25

Ptolemy sat on his couch in the great hall, having his supper and watching everything going on around him. On the surface, things seemed fairly normal. Alexander had been on his best behavior and the men seemed to be enjoying one another's company again. He thought they would be well ready for their march now. Alexander seemed to be his old self, though quieter than usual a lot of the time. And sometimes, he just looked sad. It seemed like some of the fire inside the king had been snuffed out.

Bagoas was back, but Alexander only allowed him to function as a slave in his household now. He was no longer sleeping with the eunuch, and no longer buying into the lies Bagoas had been feeding him. Bagoas deeply resented his new role in Alexander's life. He blamed Hephaestion, of course. "Some day, general", he thought, "I will take my place with Alexander again, and you will not be here to stop it. I will wait, for as long as it takes. Someday I will have my revenge on you."

Cassander was being…Cassander. Same song, different day. Cassander hated Hephaestion now. He had let the general use him, sure, because he had gotten something he wanted out of it as well. Whatever had happened between Hephaestion and Alexander, he did not know, but since then Hephaestion had told him he would never sleep with him again. He said it had been a mistake. Cassander was pissed off. "Yes", he thought, "I have said it before and I will say it again. Someday, Alexander, I will take away all that you love, as you have taken Hephaestion from me. Someday, I will erase your memory. You will see. I will have my revenge."

Hephaestion seemed happy, at least on the surface. He had asked Kostas to be his eromenos, and the boy had nearly bounced off the walls with happiness. Ptolemy smiled. The boy was really good for Hephaestion. The general seemed much more relaxed and smiled more than he used to. At times, though, the sadness that hid just under the surface showed through. Hephaestion had finally told him what had happened, and what he and Alexander had agreed on. It seemed the only thing to do.

He noticed that Hephaestion was again wearing the pendant Alexander had given him, on a new silk cord. Yes, those two would always be a part of each other in some way, but they had definitely changed. Sometimes he would catch Alexander watching Hephaestion when he didn't think he was looking, and sometimes Hephaestion would do the same. Once in a while their eyes would meet, and the looks they exchanged broke Ptolemy's heart. It wasn't fair, but that was life.

He wondered if Hephaestion or Alexander would every truly recover. It was hard to know.

He prayed to the gods that they would all heal in time.

Something beautiful had died, and nothing would ever be the same again.


	26. Chapter 26

I want to thank everyone for your encouragement and comments. I would never have taken this story beyond the first open-ended part if it weren't for all of you. I've had to really stretch myself on this one and you all kept pushing me to continue. Thank you.

I have to admit, I am glad this is finished. I wrote, and rewrote, the ending several times and I'm still not pleased with it. This has been the hardest story I've ever written. I have never written of our guys splitting up, and I daresay I will not be in any hurry to do it again. It was exhausting, draining, and quite sad. I actually cried a bit as I wrote the last chapters. I felt so bad for them. It relates a bit to my own life, so perhaps it hit a little close to home, but believe me when I say I actually did feel their pain. There were no winners here.

This whole thing was inspired by a song, believe it or not. I love this song and had listened to it quite a few times when the inspiration to write the story hit. It has been stuck in my head the whole time I've been writing this, and today, after I wrote the last sentence, I listened to it again. The song haunts me. If you've never heard it, give it a listen. Here are the lyrics so you can see what started all this.

"Ghost" – Indigo Girls

There's a letter on the desktop  
That I dug out of a drawer  
The last truce we ever came to  
From our adolescent war  
And I start to feel the fever  
From the warm air through the screen  
You come regular like seasons  
Shadowing my dreams

And the Mississippi's mighty  
But it starts in Minnesota  
At a place that you could walk across  
With five steps down  
And I guess that's how you started  
Like a pinprick to my heart  
But at this point you rush right through me  
And I start to drown

And there's not enough room  
In this world for my pain  
Signals cross, and love gets lost  
And time passed makes it plain  
Of all my demon spirits I need you the most  
I'm in love with your ghost  
I'm in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret (don't tell a soul)  
That gets whispered in a hush  
When I wake the things I dreamt about you (don't tell a soul)  
Last night make me blush  
Then you kissed me like a lover  
Then you sting me like a viper  
I go follow to the river  
Play your memory like the Piper

And I feel it like a sickness  
How this love is killing me  
But I'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly  
And dance the edge of sanity  
I've never been this close  
In love with your ghost

Unknowing captor  
You'll never know much you  
Pierce my spirit  
But I can't touch you  
Can you hear it, a cry to be free...  
Oh, I'm forever under lock and key  
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me  
That would launch a thousand ships  
To bring your heart back to my island  
As the sand beneath me slips  
As I burn up in your presence  
And I know now how it feels  
To be weakened like Achilles  
With you always at my heels

And my bitter pill to swallow  
Is the silence that I keep  
It poisons me, I can't swim free  
The river is too deep  
Though I'm baptized by your touch  
I am no worst at most  
In love with your ghost

(In love) You are shadowing my dreams (with your ghost)  
(In love with your ghost)  
(In love with your ghost)


End file.
